Rants

"Now I don't want to go off on a rant here, but Wilson Phillips makes Kobe Bryant look like Nelson Mandela at a Halliburton shareholders meeting..."

Yes, rants. Everyone loves them. Well, everyone loves to go off on them. Does everyone love to read them? We're going to find out this week. Now that I'm back from vacation and I have a desk to sit at and type properly during my lonely San Diego nights by myself, there's going to be a lot more Funktastic rants about various odds and ends this week, so keep checking back here for them. Here's what the week is going to look like:

Monday: The recent attacks on "torture porn"
Tuesday: The iPhone
Wednesday: Airport security
Thursday: Dangerous flying children

And I'm sure there will be more. But that's the main stuff and I swear that it will be written.

It's hot here and there isn't much to do on my own. But the Cubs and Red Sox are in first place, so that counts for something.

I'll be back tomorrow...

If even for a day...

How beautiful is this?

Rich's Trip To The Ghetto

This weekend, I participated in a time-honored tradition in Los Angeles. I didn't attend a Lakers game. I didn't meet a celebrity while strolling down Hollywood Blvd. I didn't get shot.

No, what I did was much better than all of those things combined.

I accidentally visited the ghetto.

Allow me to explain...

I was driving North on the 405 when I looked down and realized the my low fuel light had been on for an indeterminable amount of time. I was scared that I was going to run out of gas, so I took the next exit I got to in search of fuel.

I should have known right off the bat that I was in trouble. The street I was on was Alameda Ave. On the left side of me was nothing but train tracks and big freight trains and not much else. This was warning sign number one. Land in LA is at a premium and very expensive. If you ever go anywhere in LA and there's an empty space with nothing much built on it, there's probably a good reason for that. On the right of me was nothing but big warehouses with trucks coming and going.

After a few miles, I started getting nervous. My surroundings were decent, but I couldn't find a gas station. I didn't know if I should continue on down Alameda, which was yielding no results whatsoever, or take a turn down a random street and see if my luck would improve.

I stuck to Alameda thinking that on my way back, I wouldn't have to worry about getting lost because I would just have a straight shot back to the 405. After 10 miles or so, I was really getting anxious, as I was in the middle of nowhere and I could run out of gas at any time.

Well...that's not entirely true. I wasn't in the middle of nowhere. At a random stoplight, I looked up at the street sign for the street I was about to cross:

COMPTON BLVD
City of Compton

Trying to keep myself in a safe state of denial, I thought "Well, that's just a street. Just because I'm at Compton Blvd. doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in Compton, does it? Wait...what does that little part at the bottom of the sign say?"

City of Compton

"Oh...awesome."

(Now before anyone even thinks of accusing me of being a racist, you can just stop right here. I wasn't scared of being in Compton because it's mostly filled with blacks and Latinos. I was scared of being in Compton because it's a very violent place, regardless of the race of the person currently stabbing you. Bad things happen there, and they happen a lot. Rappers always talk about how dangerous Compton is. They actually lived there. I visited once by accident. I will believe them.)

I got my phone out and called Claire.

"Claire...I'm in Compton. What do I do?"

"(silence)...what?"

"I'm in Compton!"

"Turn around and get back on the freeway!"

There really was no right answer to this problem. Either I kept driving into the heart of (statistically) one of the unsafest places in the country in the hope of finding a gas station, or I turn around and leave, which puts me at the risk of being stranded there.

I decided to keep driving. Luckily, a block after I got off the phone, I was able to find a Shell station. I filled up, got in the car, and left without any kind of incident.

And now I can act a lot tougher than I really am. "What, you think you're tough? I go to Compton! Hell, I buy gas in Compton, son! What's up now?"

I'm just glad I didn't run into any hardcore thugs...like Jamie Kennedy. That dude is harder than concrete. Legit.

Fox Sports Net And Fellatio

The A's have been in Anaheim for the last 2 nights, so we have been watching the games on FSN because it's a lot cooler than watching on Gamecast.

I just want to make it clear before I go any further that I love the Simpsons and I am as excited as the rest of the general population that the movie is coming out this weekend.

But Jesus Christ...where does it end???

I know that the "F" in "FSN" stands for Fox. I know that Fox is releasing the Simpsons Movie. I expected the 50 commercials for it between innings. I would have been fine with it if it stopped there.

But it didn't. It seemed like every 3 seconds during the game, there was some kind of Simpsons reference or advertisement. Whenever there was a break between batters, the 2 Angels announcers (whoa re AWFUL, but that's an entirely separate post) had to remind us to watch the post-game show where the two of them were going to get "Simpson-ized". Between pitches and coming back from commercial breaks, a little animated Homer ran across the screen and dumped cartoon yellow paint on everything. Hell, Fox put 2 people dressed as Homer and Marge AT THE ANGELS GAME yesterday!

I was planning on making this just a very short, very vulgar post, but since most of you (I assume) don't like to wake up and see nasty language on your screen first thing in the morning, I've decided to clean up my next statement a bit.

Watching the game last night, I was truly astounded at how hard Fox could perform fellatio on itself. It was difficult to comprehend. I couldn't tell where the mouth stopped and the...fellated organ started.



I'm sorry if that was still a little much for anyone, but I couldn't get across how I felt any other way. I'd say "Screw FSN" but I think that's already been taken care of.


Now I know what you may be thinking: "But Rich, don't you take part in the same gross cross-promotion when you try to get more traffic to your site by advertising it on your livejournal and MySpace accounts?" Now it may seem like I'm the pot calling the kettle black on this one. I have been known to cross-promote my posts here and at Thunder Matt's Saloon (See? I just did it again!) like a quasi-Ryan Seacrest. But the fact is, I was trying to watch a baseball game when all these Simpsons things were forced onto me. Now if you were reading something on ESPN.com or trying to find some good hardcore pornography and ads for my blog started popping up, then it would be the same thing. But since that doesn't happen, I think I can convince myself that I'm not being a total hypocrite for one more day.

Question of The Day

In our society, whenever we depict aliens in movies or on TV, why are they always naked?







ANSWER: Most science fiction writers are perverts.

In fact, there's only one alien that always shows up in clothing on a consistent basis in this country:

FRIDAY THE 13TH!!! SCARY!!!!

"Gotcha, bitch!"

AHHHHHH! RUN! IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! HEEELLLLLLP!!!!!

(Actually, the only way I would run away would be if it was Friday the 13th Part V. But not Freddie Vs. Jason. That movie was the balls.)

So news! Last week I was approached by the head honchos over at Thunder Matt's Saloon to see if I wanted to become one of their "bartenders" (writers). Seeing how I love to write non-sensical stuff (and the fact that I love me some Matt Murton), I said yes. If you are unfamiliar with either "Thunder" Matt Murton or the Saloon...shame on you. You need to go there now.

I've already got an article up...I'm writing (creatively) under the name "Rich". Check it out.

So, is this the end of the glorious nation of Funktopia?



Hell naw!

Funktopia will still exist. And I am still (slowly) going to be creating its own webpage so I can get off of Blogger once and for all. But now you'll just get twice the content!

So yeah. That's cool.

And speaking of Friday the 13th, if you're bored this weekend and haven't crapped your pants in a while, here's my Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time:


10. Event Horizon

This movie may not actually be one of the Top 10 Scariest Movies to some people, but it is for me. In my brain, it'll always be scarier than it actually was because I was 12 years old when I saw it. Still, the thought of a demonic space station killing off members of a rescue crew is scary stuff. And the scariest part is that I wanted to buy this movie when I was in college, and after going to 7 stores, I wound up buying it for $26.00 at a Suncoast. $26 for a DVD with NO extra features. That's scary!


9. Jaws

HOUMP! People seem to forget that this was actually a pretty scary movie. Rent it again and then go to any kind of body of water the next day and see how willing you are to get in. I dare you. THAT'S the test.


8. The Ring

All I know is that when I watched this movie, I was alone in my room, which was right next to the door that led to the attic. That's scary enough for me.


7. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Not a horror movie you say? You look at that picture for 10 seconds and you tell me that that isn't crap-your-pants terrifying. Look at the one on the lower left that looks like he's waiting to molest you.


6. Alien

Another movie that's underrated on the Scary-Scale. I think it's because most people have probably seen this movie on cable, and nothing on cable is scary. Except Flavor of Love. The scariest thing is that Alien vs. Predator 2 is being made as we speak! RUN!!!


5. Hellraiser

This is probably another movie that is higher on the list just because I was really young when I saw it, so it seems that much scarier in the movie. But out of the movies so far, this is the most graphic. Some of the things in this movie are just plain disgustingly gory. And that's something coming from me.


4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The least scary part of this movie? When Leatherface does his little "happy dance" at the end. But by that time you've already soiled yourself at least 4 times, so you deserve a little laugh.


3. Poltergeist

The scariest part of this movie is the "false ending" where you think everything is over and done and you let your scary-guard down. And that's when the evil clown attacks! Plus, Craig T. Nelson is the man.


2. The Shining

"Heeeeeere's JOHNNY!!!"

If I have to say anything more than that to scare you, you haven't seen this movie.


1. The Exorcist

Now many of you probably would have expected me to pick a picture of the possessed little girl in her demonic-form at the end of the movie. But when The Exorcist was re-released when I was in high school and they put in that deleted scene with the little girl doing this deranged spider-walk down the stairs, screaming with blood pouring out of her mouth, I was scared to death. And the scariest part is that it came out of nowhere! The mom is just sitting there talking to the babysitter like "Hey, do you want some coffee?" and then all of the sudden looks up off camera and says "Oh my god!" and then BAM! Spider walk!

Seriously, looking at the above picture scares the crap out of me to this day. And it's just a picture!


Alright, that's enough from me. I'm officially scared of today. If you want me, I'll be hanging out with the guy in the bear suit.

CHUD Baby Update!!!

CHUD WATCH!!!

Walking from my car to work this morning, I noticed that the random condom on the side of the street is now gone.

The CHUD baby is coming...

Naysayers may argue that the street sweeper could have picked it up, but that condom was there for days. If the street sweeper could have cleaned it up, it would have been gone after 1 day. No, something else is going on...




The CHUD baby is coming...

Gross...

The street across from where I work is a one-way street that has metered parking on both sides. There's a few spots at the end of the street where there's free parking, and if I'm lucky, sometimes I can nab one of those spots in the morning and not have to pay to park. On those days, I have to walk the 300 yards or so to get to our building, and I see all the various candy wrappers and cigarette butts and what not that are on the side of the road.

Today I found a condom. Wait..."found" doesn't sound right, because I definitely wasn't looking for it. I guess I "discovered" it.

Either way, there is a used condom on the side of the road. Does this not sound right to you? I mean, it's not the same as finding a shoe in the street. This thing probably has semen in it. That makes it a whole different ball game.

The most disturbing thing is that I've never seen anyone having sex in the middle of this street. So the only other explanation is that someone used this condom at home, didn't throw it out when they were finished, brought it to work, and threw it out of their car when they parked. Maybe they were keeping it in their pocket and it fell out when they went fishing for quarters to feed the meter.

So why would anyone keep a used condom and throw it on the middle of the road?

That's right...they were trying to grow a CHUD Baby!

Chud Baby:

A baby formed from filthy and/or dilapidated used condoms that inseminates an ovum in the grimy gutter or trash receptical in a major metropolitan area. The ovum is usually the result of 1 day or more old hooker vaginal secretions.



Gross.

if you have nothing to do tonight and you're in an 80's mood, check out CHUD and the sequels. They're crap.

Random Thoughts And Musings...

Let's go train of thought:

• I know that it's probably hard to be a news writer. I mean, I have enough trouble as it is updating this blog on a semi-regular basis...but I think I need to stay away from Yahoo on slow news days. On the front page right now is a story with the title "U.K.'s Bad Girls of Pop: Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse have big hair, big earrings, and even bigger attitudes." THAT'S the basis of your entire story? There are literally THOUSANDS of pop stars that are bitches, but because 2 of them come from the U.K. and have big hair, that means that they're similar enough to write an entire piece on? If the news is that slow, I could have thrown them a bone: "House of Stone and Mystery: Whatever happened to Martin Page?"
• At the risk of jinxing them (knock on wood), the Cubs have won 5 in a row. At the same time, since being no-hit by Justin Verlander, the Brewers are 11-2, so we haven't gained any ground. That's ok...there's a lot of season left...
• So I know I've been promising my thoughts on the Sopranos finale, but every time I sit down to do it, it just seems like it's going to take so long to get everything organized in the way I want to say it that I wind up talking about something else. Maybe I'll do it sometime tomorrow...plus, I still can't get a decent YouTube clip of the final scene.
• Speaking of YouTube, this is mandatory watching: Misheard Pearl Jam lyrics.
• Just saying...

• This is just unfortunate...

"Game...Blouses..."

"Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?"

While Claire and I were out on an ice cream run last night, I realized that we were going to be near the Best Buy, so we made a stop there on the way home so I could officially pick up a copy of the new White Stripes album. They had aisle endcaps set up highlighting the best music of the 00's. I know that a lot of them are set up just to sell CDs that may need some help moving off the shelves, but still...when discussing the best albums of the last 7 years, why would you put in City of Evil by Avenged Sevenfold? Now I loved that album as much as the next metalhead, but I don't think it would make my top 5 for 2005, let alone one of the best of the 00's.

It was after looking around a bit more that we noticed that there were also similar setups with the best of the 90's and 80's. Now for anyone who knows Claire, you won't be surprised that she got an excited look on her face and made a beeline straight for the 80's rack (and who could blame her). We quickly realized that a lot of the displacy was just greatest hits CD's from artists that were big in the 80's.

The good news is that most of them were only $9.99.

The better news is that one of them was this bad boy:



Now I do have a few qualms about the CD. It's pretty much a "Prince Greatest Hits Lite" CD. There's no Darling Nikki. There's no Partyman from the Batman soundtrack (more on this later). There's not one track from Dirty Mind, Controversy or Erotic City. And I can't even explain why they chose to put Money Doesn't Matter 2 Night on the album, and left off Batdance, Pop Life and Delirious, which were all top 10 hits.

Then again, this is 17 tracks of Prince for only $10, and for that I am grateful. Seeing how there are already 2 and 3-CD box sets out that are also called "greatest hits" I guess this one was designed for casual Prince fans to pick up on a whim, which is exactly what we did.

(Speaking of the Batman soundtrack, don't you miss the days when 1 artist would record the entire soundtrack for an album. Best example: Bon Jovi doing the whole Young Guns II soundtrack. I listened to that cassette about 500 times when I was little.)

Claire and I were listening to the CD on our way home, and I started thinking about how Prince is pretty underrated these days. I mean sure, Musicology was pretty good, he showed that he could ball on Chappelle's Show and his bring-the-house-down performance at the Super Bowl this year was fantastic, but before all of that, Prince didn't seem like he was getting much love from the masses, especially the younger crowd.

So with that in mind, here's a list I made of artists I think are underrated by today's masses. Now this is not a comprehensive list, and I'm not saying that these are the greatest bands in the world. i just think it's time that they get a little more respect is all.

Prince- What really bothers me is that Prince does not get as much credit as he deserves for his guitar playing abilities alone. This guy can shred with the best of them. If you don't believe me, just listen to the first 15 seconds or so of When Doves Cry and then come back to me.

(BTW, for those of you who don't know me well, I would like to point out that I LOVE how most bars now have digital jukeboxes. ANY digital jukebox will have When Doves Cry on it. One of my absolute favorite things to do when I'm at a bar is to play that song. Once it starts, everyone in the bar stops what they're doing and gets a really confused look on their face, but no one has the balls to complain about it because it's Prince so they just have to sit there for 3 minutes with a song playing that completely clashes with the whole bar atmosphere. But to make it up to them, usually I'll play some shitty bar song after that like Crazy Bitch. Next time you're at a bar, try it. Trust me.)

ZZ Top- When's the last time you met a huge ZZ Top fan? When's the last time you went and bought a ZZ Top CD? And yet, if I gave you a copy of their greatest hits and you listened to it in the car, I guarantee that 90% of you would recognize (and enjoy) at least 5 of their songs. Their catalog looks like a Murderer's Row of just-plain-cool songs, from Legs and La Grange all the way down to Sharp Dressed Man, Cheap Sunglasses and Gimme All Your Lovin'. Go on iTunes right now and buy a few tracks. I can wait.

Soundgarden/Stone Temple Pilots- I put these two together because for both of them, it seems like they'll always be overshadowed by the Nirvana/Pearl Jam giant. And since Chris Cornell had Audioslave and Scott Weiland has Velvet Revolver and rehab every 2 years, a lot of focus has been taken off of their older work. Now I'm not saying the Soundgarden and STP are forgotten by any means, but I think a lot of people forget just how great these two bands were. I bet even non-rock fans would be able to sing along with Interstate Love Song and Black Hole Sun. Both are another example of greatest hits collections that do not let up from beginning to end...except for STP's Days of the Week which sucked. but they more than make up for it with the killer acoustic version of Plush.

Alice In Chains- I know I could have put them in with the above category, but I think that Alice In Chains gets left out of the picture more than any other band of the 90's. They came out in the grunge era and wrote dirty, nasty riffs, and so they were called grunge. But most people just remember Layne Staley dying and wonder "What could have been?" without remembering what actually was. Bottom line is that these guys weren't grunge, they weren't metal, they weren't anything that I've ever heard played before or again. They were a band that could release Dirt, and awesomely heavy album that still managed to get airplay and then switch gears to Jar of Flies, only to return to bone crushing riffs on their self-titled finale.

Pantera- I'm not the biggest and most passionate Pantera fan on the planet, but we watched the Pantera Behind The Music last night (which was completely fucking sad), and it got me thinking. They were always overshadowed by better-known metal acts like Metallic, helmet, Slayer and Megadeth, but these guys were part of the reason real heavy metal came back from the goofy hair metal of the 80's. But a lot of people don't realize that Far Beyond Driven was the first metal album to top the Billboard charts. They were one of the best metal bands ever, and most people couldn't name 2 of their songs. I think they deserve just a little more "Re....SPECT!"

(Ok, that was a little lame.)

By the way, if you haven't seen the UNRATED trailer for Superbad, watch it below. This movie is going to be hysterical.