"Now I don't want to go off on a rant here, but Wilson Phillips makes Kobe Bryant look like Nelson Mandela at a Halliburton shareholders meeting..."
Yes, rants. Everyone loves them. Well, everyone loves to go off on them. Does everyone love to read them? We're going to find out this week. Now that I'm back from vacation and I have a desk to sit at and type properly during my lonely San Diego nights by myself, there's going to be a lot more Funktastic rants about various odds and ends this week, so keep checking back here for them. Here's what the week is going to look like:
Monday: The recent attacks on "torture porn" Tuesday: The iPhone Wednesday: Airport security Thursday: Dangerous flying children
And I'm sure there will be more. But that's the main stuff and I swear that it will be written.
It's hot here and there isn't much to do on my own. But the Cubs and Red Sox are in first place, so that counts for something.
This weekend, I participated in a time-honored tradition in Los Angeles. I didn't attend a Lakers game. I didn't meet a celebrity while strolling down Hollywood Blvd. I didn't get shot.
No, what I did was much better than all of those things combined.
I accidentally visited the ghetto.
Allow me to explain...
I was driving North on the 405 when I looked down and realized the my low fuel light had been on for an indeterminable amount of time. I was scared that I was going to run out of gas, so I took the next exit I got to in search of fuel.
I should have known right off the bat that I was in trouble. The street I was on was Alameda Ave. On the left side of me was nothing but train tracks and big freight trains and not much else. This was warning sign number one. Land in LA is at a premium and very expensive. If you ever go anywhere in LA and there's an empty space with nothing much built on it, there's probably a good reason for that. On the right of me was nothing but big warehouses with trucks coming and going.
After a few miles, I started getting nervous. My surroundings were decent, but I couldn't find a gas station. I didn't know if I should continue on down Alameda, which was yielding no results whatsoever, or take a turn down a random street and see if my luck would improve.
I stuck to Alameda thinking that on my way back, I wouldn't have to worry about getting lost because I would just have a straight shot back to the 405. After 10 miles or so, I was really getting anxious, as I was in the middle of nowhere and I could run out of gas at any time.
Well...that's not entirely true. I wasn't in the middle of nowhere. At a random stoplight, I looked up at the street sign for the street I was about to cross:
COMPTON BLVD City of Compton
Trying to keep myself in a safe state of denial, I thought "Well, that's just a street. Just because I'm at Compton Blvd. doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in Compton, does it? Wait...what does that little part at the bottom of the sign say?"
City of Compton
"Oh...awesome."
(Now before anyone even thinks of accusing me of being a racist, you can just stop right here. I wasn't scared of being in Compton because it's mostly filled with blacks and Latinos. I was scared of being in Compton because it's a very violent place, regardless of the race of the person currently stabbing you. Bad things happen there, and they happen a lot. Rappers always talk about how dangerous Compton is. They actually lived there. I visited once by accident. I will believe them.)
I got my phone out and called Claire.
"Claire...I'm in Compton. What do I do?"
"(silence)...what?"
"I'm in Compton!"
"Turn around and get back on the freeway!"
There really was no right answer to this problem. Either I kept driving into the heart of (statistically) one of the unsafest places in the country in the hope of finding a gas station, or I turn around and leave, which puts me at the risk of being stranded there.
I decided to keep driving. Luckily, a block after I got off the phone, I was able to find a Shell station. I filled up, got in the car, and left without any kind of incident.
And now I can act a lot tougher than I really am. "What, you think you're tough? I go to Compton! Hell, I buy gas in Compton, son! What's up now?"
I'm just glad I didn't run into any hardcore thugs...like Jamie Kennedy. That dude is harder than concrete. Legit.
The A's have been in Anaheim for the last 2 nights, so we have been watching the games on FSN because it's a lot cooler than watching on Gamecast.
I just want to make it clear before I go any further that I love the Simpsons and I am as excited as the rest of the general population that the movie is coming out this weekend.
But Jesus Christ...where does it end???
I know that the "F" in "FSN" stands for Fox. I know that Fox is releasing the Simpsons Movie. I expected the 50 commercials for it between innings. I would have been fine with it if it stopped there.
But it didn't. It seemed like every 3 seconds during the game, there was some kind of Simpsons reference or advertisement. Whenever there was a break between batters, the 2 Angels announcers (whoa re AWFUL, but that's an entirely separate post) had to remind us to watch the post-game show where the two of them were going to get "Simpson-ized". Between pitches and coming back from commercial breaks, a little animated Homer ran across the screen and dumped cartoon yellow paint on everything. Hell, Fox put 2 people dressed as Homer and Marge AT THE ANGELS GAME yesterday!
I was planning on making this just a very short, very vulgar post, but since most of you (I assume) don't like to wake up and see nasty language on your screen first thing in the morning, I've decided to clean up my next statement a bit.
Watching the game last night, I was truly astounded at how hard Fox could perform fellatio on itself. It was difficult to comprehend. I couldn't tell where the mouth stopped and the...fellated organ started.
I'm sorry if that was still a little much for anyone, but I couldn't get across how I felt any other way. I'd say "Screw FSN" but I think that's already been taken care of.
Now I know what you may be thinking: "But Rich, don't you take part in the same gross cross-promotion when you try to get more traffic to your site by advertising it on your livejournal and MySpace accounts?" Now it may seem like I'm the pot calling the kettle black on this one. I have been known to cross-promote my posts here and at Thunder Matt's Saloon (See? I just did it again!) like a quasi-Ryan Seacrest. But the fact is, I was trying to watch a baseball game when all these Simpsons things were forced onto me. Now if you were reading something on ESPN.com or trying to find some good hardcore pornography and ads for my blog started popping up, then it would be the same thing. But since that doesn't happen, I think I can convince myself that I'm not being a total hypocrite for one more day.
AHHHHHH! RUN! IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! HEEELLLLLLP!!!!!
(Actually, the only way I would run away would be if it was Friday the 13th Part V. But not Freddie Vs. Jason. That movie was the balls.)
So news! Last week I was approached by the head honchos over at Thunder Matt's Saloon to see if I wanted to become one of their "bartenders" (writers). Seeing how I love to write non-sensical stuff (and the fact that I love me some Matt Murton), I said yes. If you are unfamiliar with either "Thunder" Matt Murton or the Saloon...shame on you. You need to go there now.
I've already got an article up...I'm writing (creatively) under the name "Rich". Check it out.
So, is this the end of the glorious nation of Funktopia?
Hell naw!
Funktopia will still exist. And I am still (slowly) going to be creating its own webpage so I can get off of Blogger once and for all. But now you'll just get twice the content!
So yeah. That's cool.
And speaking of Friday the 13th, if you're bored this weekend and haven't crapped your pants in a while, here's my Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time:
10. Event Horizon
This movie may not actually be one of the Top 10 Scariest Movies to some people, but it is for me. In my brain, it'll always be scarier than it actually was because I was 12 years old when I saw it. Still, the thought of a demonic space station killing off members of a rescue crew is scary stuff. And the scariest part is that I wanted to buy this movie when I was in college, and after going to 7 stores, I wound up buying it for $26.00 at a Suncoast. $26 for a DVD with NO extra features. That's scary!
9. Jaws
HOUMP! People seem to forget that this was actually a pretty scary movie. Rent it again and then go to any kind of body of water the next day and see how willing you are to get in. I dare you. THAT'S the test.
8. The Ring
All I know is that when I watched this movie, I was alone in my room, which was right next to the door that led to the attic. That's scary enough for me.
7. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Not a horror movie you say? You look at that picture for 10 seconds and you tell me that that isn't crap-your-pants terrifying. Look at the one on the lower left that looks like he's waiting to molest you.
6. Alien
Another movie that's underrated on the Scary-Scale. I think it's because most people have probably seen this movie on cable, and nothing on cable is scary. Except Flavor of Love. The scariest thing is that Alien vs. Predator 2 is being made as we speak! RUN!!!
5. Hellraiser
This is probably another movie that is higher on the list just because I was really young when I saw it, so it seems that much scarier in the movie. But out of the movies so far, this is the most graphic. Some of the things in this movie are just plain disgustingly gory. And that's something coming from me.
4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The least scary part of this movie? When Leatherface does his little "happy dance" at the end. But by that time you've already soiled yourself at least 4 times, so you deserve a little laugh.
3. Poltergeist
The scariest part of this movie is the "false ending" where you think everything is over and done and you let your scary-guard down. And that's when the evil clown attacks! Plus, Craig T. Nelson is the man.
2. The Shining
"Heeeeeere's JOHNNY!!!"
If I have to say anything more than that to scare you, you haven't seen this movie.
1. The Exorcist
Now many of you probably would have expected me to pick a picture of the possessed little girl in her demonic-form at the end of the movie. But when The Exorcist was re-released when I was in high school and they put in that deleted scene with the little girl doing this deranged spider-walk down the stairs, screaming with blood pouring out of her mouth, I was scared to death. And the scariest part is that it came out of nowhere! The mom is just sitting there talking to the babysitter like "Hey, do you want some coffee?" and then all of the sudden looks up off camera and says "Oh my god!" and then BAM! Spider walk!
Seriously, looking at the above picture scares the crap out of me to this day. And it's just a picture!
Alright, that's enough from me. I'm officially scared of today. If you want me, I'll be hanging out with the guy in the bear suit.
Walking from my car to work this morning, I noticed that the random condom on the side of the street is now gone.
The CHUD baby is coming...
Naysayers may argue that the street sweeper could have picked it up, but that condom was there for days. If the street sweeper could have cleaned it up, it would have been gone after 1 day. No, something else is going on...
The street across from where I work is a one-way street that has metered parking on both sides. There's a few spots at the end of the street where there's free parking, and if I'm lucky, sometimes I can nab one of those spots in the morning and not have to pay to park. On those days, I have to walk the 300 yards or so to get to our building, and I see all the various candy wrappers and cigarette butts and what not that are on the side of the road.
Today I found a condom. Wait..."found" doesn't sound right, because I definitely wasn't looking for it. I guess I "discovered" it.
Either way, there is a used condom on the side of the road. Does this not sound right to you? I mean, it's not the same as finding a shoe in the street. This thing probably has semen in it. That makes it a whole different ball game.
The most disturbing thing is that I've never seen anyone having sex in the middle of this street. So the only other explanation is that someone used this condom at home, didn't throw it out when they were finished, brought it to work, and threw it out of their car when they parked. Maybe they were keeping it in their pocket and it fell out when they went fishing for quarters to feed the meter.
So why would anyone keep a used condom and throw it on the middle of the road?
That's right...they were trying to grow a CHUD Baby!
Chud Baby:
A baby formed from filthy and/or dilapidated used condoms that inseminates an ovum in the grimy gutter or trash receptical in a major metropolitan area. The ovum is usually the result of 1 day or more old hooker vaginal secretions.
Gross.
if you have nothing to do tonight and you're in an 80's mood, check out CHUD and the sequels. They're crap.
I know that it's probably hard to be a news writer. I mean, I have enough trouble as it is updating this blog on a semi-regular basis...but I think I need to stay away from Yahoo on slow news days. On the front page right now is a story with the title "U.K.'s Bad Girls of Pop: Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse have big hair, big earrings, and even bigger attitudes." THAT'S the basis of your entire story? There are literally THOUSANDS of pop stars that are bitches, but because 2 of them come from the U.K. and have big hair, that means that they're similar enough to write an entire piece on? If the news is that slow, I could have thrown them a bone: "House of Stone and Mystery: Whatever happened to Martin Page?"
At the risk of jinxing them (knock on wood), the Cubs have won 5 in a row. At the same time, since being no-hit by Justin Verlander, the Brewers are 11-2, so we haven't gained any ground. That's ok...there's a lot of season left...
So I know I've been promising my thoughts on the Sopranos finale, but every time I sit down to do it, it just seems like it's going to take so long to get everything organized in the way I want to say it that I wind up talking about something else. Maybe I'll do it sometime tomorrow...plus, I still can't get a decent YouTube clip of the final scene.
"Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?"
While Claire and I were out on an ice cream run last night, I realized that we were going to be near the Best Buy, so we made a stop there on the way home so I could officially pick up a copy of the new White Stripes album. They had aisle endcaps set up highlighting the best music of the 00's. I know that a lot of them are set up just to sell CDs that may need some help moving off the shelves, but still...when discussing the best albums of the last 7 years, why would you put in City of Evil by Avenged Sevenfold? Now I loved that album as much as the next metalhead, but I don't think it would make my top 5 for 2005, let alone one of the best of the 00's.
It was after looking around a bit more that we noticed that there were also similar setups with the best of the 90's and 80's. Now for anyone who knows Claire, you won't be surprised that she got an excited look on her face and made a beeline straight for the 80's rack (and who could blame her). We quickly realized that a lot of the displacy was just greatest hits CD's from artists that were big in the 80's.
The good news is that most of them were only $9.99.
The better news is that one of them was this bad boy:
Now I do have a few qualms about the CD. It's pretty much a "Prince Greatest Hits Lite" CD. There's no Darling Nikki. There's no Partyman from the Batman soundtrack (more on this later). There's not one track from Dirty Mind, Controversy or Erotic City. And I can't even explain why they chose to put Money Doesn't Matter 2 Night on the album, and left off Batdance, Pop Life and Delirious, which were all top 10 hits.
Then again, this is 17 tracks of Prince for only $10, and for that I am grateful. Seeing how there are already 2 and 3-CD box sets out that are also called "greatest hits" I guess this one was designed for casual Prince fans to pick up on a whim, which is exactly what we did.
(Speaking of the Batman soundtrack, don't you miss the days when 1 artist would record the entire soundtrack for an album. Best example: Bon Jovi doing the whole Young Guns II soundtrack. I listened to that cassette about 500 times when I was little.)
Claire and I were listening to the CD on our way home, and I started thinking about how Prince is pretty underrated these days. I mean sure, Musicology was pretty good, he showed that he could ball on Chappelle's Show and his bring-the-house-down performance at the Super Bowl this year was fantastic, but before all of that, Prince didn't seem like he was getting much love from the masses, especially the younger crowd.
So with that in mind, here's a list I made of artists I think are underrated by today's masses. Now this is not a comprehensive list, and I'm not saying that these are the greatest bands in the world. i just think it's time that they get a little more respect is all.
Prince- What really bothers me is that Prince does not get as much credit as he deserves for his guitar playing abilities alone. This guy can shred with the best of them. If you don't believe me, just listen to the first 15 seconds or so of When Doves Cry and then come back to me.
(BTW, for those of you who don't know me well, I would like to point out that I LOVE how most bars now have digital jukeboxes. ANY digital jukebox will have When Doves Cry on it. One of my absolute favorite things to do when I'm at a bar is to play that song. Once it starts, everyone in the bar stops what they're doing and gets a really confused look on their face, but no one has the balls to complain about it because it's Prince so they just have to sit there for 3 minutes with a song playing that completely clashes with the whole bar atmosphere. But to make it up to them, usually I'll play some shitty bar song after that like Crazy Bitch. Next time you're at a bar, try it. Trust me.)
ZZ Top- When's the last time you met a huge ZZ Top fan? When's the last time you went and bought a ZZ Top CD? And yet, if I gave you a copy of their greatest hits and you listened to it in the car, I guarantee that 90% of you would recognize (and enjoy) at least 5 of their songs. Their catalog looks like a Murderer's Row of just-plain-cool songs, from Legs and La Grange all the way down to Sharp Dressed Man, Cheap Sunglasses and Gimme All Your Lovin'. Go on iTunes right now and buy a few tracks. I can wait.
Soundgarden/Stone Temple Pilots- I put these two together because for both of them, it seems like they'll always be overshadowed by the Nirvana/Pearl Jam giant. And since Chris Cornell had Audioslave and Scott Weiland has Velvet Revolver and rehab every 2 years, a lot of focus has been taken off of their older work. Now I'm not saying the Soundgarden and STP are forgotten by any means, but I think a lot of people forget just how great these two bands were. I bet even non-rock fans would be able to sing along with Interstate Love Song and Black Hole Sun. Both are another example of greatest hits collections that do not let up from beginning to end...except for STP's Days of the Week which sucked. but they more than make up for it with the killer acoustic version of Plush.
Alice In Chains- I know I could have put them in with the above category, but I think that Alice In Chains gets left out of the picture more than any other band of the 90's. They came out in the grunge era and wrote dirty, nasty riffs, and so they were called grunge. But most people just remember Layne Staley dying and wonder "What could have been?" without remembering what actually was. Bottom line is that these guys weren't grunge, they weren't metal, they weren't anything that I've ever heard played before or again. They were a band that could release Dirt, and awesomely heavy album that still managed to get airplay and then switch gears to Jar of Flies, only to return to bone crushing riffs on their self-titled finale.
Pantera- I'm not the biggest and most passionate Pantera fan on the planet, but we watched the Pantera Behind The Music last night (which was completely fucking sad), and it got me thinking. They were always overshadowed by better-known metal acts like Metallic, helmet, Slayer and Megadeth, but these guys were part of the reason real heavy metal came back from the goofy hair metal of the 80's. But a lot of people don't realize that Far Beyond Driven was the first metal album to top the Billboard charts. They were one of the best metal bands ever, and most people couldn't name 2 of their songs. I think they deserve just a little more "Re....SPECT!"
(Ok, that was a little lame.)
By the way, if you haven't seen the UNRATED trailer for Superbad, watch it below. This movie is going to be hysterical.
You know what I hate? I hate when something shitty is going on, and by the time you finally get used to it and accept it, you find something else out that makes it even worse. Like, if your girlfriend broke up with you and right when you were starting to get over it, you found out that not only was she cheating on you with your best friend, she also gave you the clap.
That's how I feel like about gas prices. I feel like every time I go and fill up, I need a penicillin shot.
Look, I know that living in California, gas prices are going to be high. That just comes with the territory. A few weeks ago, prices flirted with $4.00 a gallon, but have settled to around $3.15 or so for now. At first I was completely frustrated. In November, we were mere pennies away from cracking the $2.00 a gallon mark for the first time since I lived out here. And ever since, it's been going up and up to the current price it's at now.
But I can't do anything about gas prices, and it didn't do any good to be all pissed off about it, so I slowly learned to live with the prices.
But yesterday I learned that we're getting screwed over a little more than I thought, and I'm pissed off all over again.
Yesterday, I learned that gas expands in heat. So if you buy gas and it's hot out, you're paying for gas that you ain't getting.
Almost a century ago, the gas industry agreed to define a gallon of gas as 231 cubic inches, which was measured at a temperature of 60 degrees. When individual stations buy gasoline, it's at that 60 degree temperature. But when it's in the pump waiting for you to put it in your car, it takes more than a gallon of gas to produce the same amount of energy.
Gas retailers ignore the temperature swings and always dispense fuel as if it's 60 degrees. As a result, gas is an average of about 5 degrees warmer than the federal standard. So basically, you're paying for a gallon of gas, but you aren't getting the whole gallon.
Now the opposite is true as well...gas does contract in cold weather, and it's during the wintertime that most people will make their money back. But for people in southern or western states where it's pretty much warm all year, this break never comes.
Apparently, there are class-action lawsuits happening soon against gas companies because of this technical overcharge, which is all well and good.
Now look...I'm not really that mad at the fact that gas expands and I may or may not be paying for gas that I'm not getting. Apparently the expansion of gas only offsets the cost of gas by about 3 to 10 cents a gallon. Filling up my 13 gallon tank, that's only a difference of 39 cents to $1.30 per fill up. The thing that pisses me off the most is that when the gas companies were asked if they could install temperature adjusting pumps in their stations to recalculate gas costs based on the temperature, their response was:
"We can't afford it."
That wasn't an exact quote, but it's pretty much what they said in a nutshell.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to working on my prototype automobile. It's fueled by my intense hatred of immigrants.
(No, I don't hate immigrants. If you don't know what that's from, watch this.)
I was away in San Diego ("You stay classy...") for the weekend, but I'm back. I'm a bit sunburned on one side of my face, but it's not too bad.
Anywho, I'm here to write.
First of all, I really am going to try to get something written and up here on what may be known as a "regular basis". I know that I've mentioned that before and then disappeared for weeks before returning (I'm like herpes in that way), but I really want to get this going while I make the transition from Blogger page to actual website.
Yes, I am planning on launching Funktopia as a real-life website. I'm reading a book on it now. It's a bit slow going, but I could see Funktopia alive and well in the next few months. Probably before the summer is over.
But for now, things seem to be going pretty good for my little ol' blog here. We'll probably pass 1,000 visitors today...and that's since I put the little counter at the bottom, which was only about a month and a half ago! So people are actively searching out Funktopia. We actually have a couple links too (for realz!).
The first one I came across came from Steroid Nation, which cited the entry I wrote about Mark Prior's disappearing legs:
And the second came from what is quickly becoming one of my favorite websites, Thunder Matt's Saloon. If you're a fan of Matt Murton (and who isn't?), the Cubs, or baseball in general, check it out. You have to love any website that lists the "Best Michael Barrett Fight" of the past week. Classic.
And it's not just that...we're international! Check out where some of our traffic comes from:
I think people in other countries may find their way here because they're attracted to the funny pictures and pretty colors.
Ok, on to the main topic of discussion today...
DOUCHE!!!!!
That's right, folks. Bud Selig is a big douche. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Selig/Jason Giambi lover's spat that's going on, I'll give you the short version.
We all know that steroids have been a problem in baseball for a while now. Up to this point, no big name superstars have failed a steroid test, even though the current steroid testing system, which doesn't even detect the most popular kinds of steroids, is a joke.
Along comes Jason Giambi, who makes vague comments about being sorry for "taking that stuff" to the media. He knows that he's talking about steroids. The reporters knew he was talking about steroids. The country knew he was talking about steroids.
To me, this took a lot of guts. I'm sure there are many players who have taken or are currently taking steroids that would do anything short of killing their mother to cover it up. But even with all that steroid damage to his reproductive organs, Giambi still had enough balls to go to the media and say "You know what, steroids are a problem in baseball and something needs to be done about it."
But if Giambi pretty much admitted to using steroids, why didn't he actually come out and say "I'm sorry for taking steroids" instead of hinting at it by saying "I'm sorry I ever did 'that stuff'"? Well if you remember, Mr. Giambi was involved in some grand jury testimony about steroids, which, I believe, is still going on today, in which case, he may not even be able to legally talk specifics about steroids and his past use of them.
Along comes "Hop-along" Bud Selig on his steroid witch hunt. I assume the conversation between Selig and Giambi went something like this:
Selig: Jason! How are you? Look, I'm going to need you to talk to George Mitchell, the guy I have heading up this steroid investigation.
Giambi: Ummm...I don't know if I want to. I may face some backlash from the players union, and from other players.
Selig: Well if you don't I'm going to suspend you.
Giambi: On what grounds?
Selig: For not listening to me. Look Jason, just play ball and everything will be just fine.
Giambi: I thought you said you didn't want me to play ball.
Selig: No, I want you to play ball...with me.
Giambi: You want me to play for the Brewers?
(Ok, if the last few lines don't make sense to you, go to WalMart and buy BASEketball for $2 out of the discount DVD bin. You'll thank me.)
So here's Jason Giambi, a guy that probably feels sorry for what he did, and thinks that baseball is dropping the ball on this whole steroid thing. And because he's criticizing baseball, Bud Selig thinks he can strong-arm Giambi into doing whatever he wants. I mean, Giambi has never failed a steroid test! How can you suspend someone from their job because they won't cooperate with you when they aren't even required to? That's like me walking down the street and telling someone "Yeah, I killed a guy once" and getting thrown in jail for it!
Now, do I think it would be a good thing for Giambi to cooperate with the investigation? Probably. He should at least sit down with Mitchell and see what's up. But should he be forced to cooperate against his will? Absolutely not. The only good thing is that if Selig tried to suspend Giambi, the players union would tear him a new one and the suspension would probably never happen.
But all Selig is doing is encouraging other players not to come out and talk about steroids. He's encouraging players and owners to keep this a dirty little secret for as long as they can, which is what made this big problem in the first place!
You know, there was a group of people that forced others to cooperate without those people ever doing anything wrong. They were called Nazis.
Random note: Go out to Best Buy and shell out the $9.99 for the new White Stripes album Icky Thump. Skip ahead to track 9, Rag and Bone. Enjoy. It's a good one.
Sadly, today the United States of America gets a little less hung. And a little less hairy.
Alex Klimkewicz, one of my friends from college and fellow Lambda Chi, is packing it all up and moving to South Korea for an entire year starting today. He's going to educate little South Korean kids in the fine art of the English language. Alex, if you read this, please make it a goal to teach the children the following words:
Taint Mung Durk-a-durr (You remember the guy on the bike! "I fucking hate pavement!") Fladunk
Alex's decision to move to another continent just months after graduation is something to be admired. In a time where more and more people graduate college and move back to their hometown and wind up at crap jobs, Alex is doing something with his life and we should all congratulate him for that.
So farewell, Alex. I only have 3 pieces of advice:
Say "Annyong!" as much as you possibly can and laugh to yourself at the genious of Arrested Development.
If the kids ask you what your pants say, calmly reply "They don't say anything. You have to read them."
Don't travel too far north. You know what's in North Korea...
"Update my blog? Ok, I'll do it after one more episode of Lost..."
Yes, boys and girls, I am lazy. I haven't updated my blog in a few weeks. I'm going to try and keep that from happening again. I figure if there's no new posts, people will just stop visiting and I'll lose all 4 of my regular readers!
On a side note, I kept justifying not updating to myself with the old "I've been sick for almost 2 weeks" excuse. While this was true, if I was sick, wouldn't I actually have more time to update? Procrastination is a beautiful thing. I'll tell you about it later...
Anywho, I don't have a whole lot of time right now, but I do hope to get back on track starting today. There's a lot to write about that's happened lately, so look for the following topics to appear in the near future:
Paris Hilton being a dumbass
The Sopranos series finale
My new addiction to Lost
The movie Knocked Up and how it pretty much sucked
Ocean's 13 (which I have yet to see)
A few new CD's that I've bought that are just plain good
Yesterday morning, the Yankees third baseman was slapped all over New York newspapers as stories of him gallivanting around the city with a "mystery blonde" started showing up. Apparently A-Rod capped off the night with this woman by taking her to a strip club.
(By the way, Alex Rodriguez is married.)
However, in typical A-Rod fashion, this wasn't the most controversial part of his day. Not even close.
In case you missed it, here's a short recap of what happened:
The stumbling Yankees were ahead 7-5 with two outs in the ninth at Toronto on Wednesday night, and Rodriguez was on first base when Jorge Posada popped up. A-Rod ran hard and shouted near third baseman Howie Clark, who was playing his first major league game of the season.
"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said.
"I heard a 'Mine' call, and so I let it go," said Clark, who thought he was being called off by his shortstop. Clark backed off and let the ball drop as Rodriguez got to third.
Toronto went on to lose 10-5.
So the debate rages on: was what A-Rod did dirty? Was it bush league? It depends on who you ask.
On one side of the debate, you have the A-Rod supporters. They say that what A-Rod did was not against any rules. They say that if what he did really was interference of any kind, the umpire would have called him out. They say it's just a baseball player doing anything he can to win.
On the other side, there's the people that say that what A-Rod did was cheap and that it was bush league for him to try something like that.
So where do I stand?
Well...it depends on what he said.
Rodriguez says that he just yelled "Hey" at Howie Clark as he was running past. Clark says that he heard A-Rod yell "Mine". You can decide for yourself. Check it.
Now there may not seem to be a lot of difference between A-Rod saying "Ha" and "Mine" but there is. It's actually a big difference. If he just yelled "ha" then I don't really care. Sure, it's a little dirty, but A-Rod was just trying to make a noise to distract Clark. Whether I agree with it or not, Clark needed to make the catch.
But if Rodriguez actually did call "mine" then it's a whole different dirty story.
Let's think about this...starting back in little league, kids are taught that when someone calls for a pop fly, everyone else is supposed to clear out and let that person catch the ball. They're also taught that the shortstop has authority over the third baseman on infield popups. There's 2 reasons for the "call off" rule:
1. So 2 players don't collide and drop the ball 2. So 2 players don't collide and injure themselves.
This is where the specifics of what Rodriguez said come into play. If he did indeed call "mine" as Clark claims he did, then I would say it does count as interference. Clark was going for the pop fly and Rodriguez shouted at him from behind. This is a completely a classless move simply because Alex Rodriguez called Clark off the ball from behind, when Clark had no way of knowing whether it was A-Rod calling him off or a member of his own team. Of course he moved out from under the ball. For all Clark knew, it was a teammate calling him off.
After the game, A-Rod defended himself by saying that that kind of thing happens all the time and that it happens to him "2-3 times a week" and I don't buy that for a second. If all players in MLB try this tactic, we would have known about it. If it was so commonplace, how come the Toronto manager, as well as their players and commentators, said they have never seen anyone try that before? Hell, even Johnny Damon, A-Rod's TEAMMATE, said that he didn't think it was legal. The fact that none of Rodriguez's teammates came to his defense speaks for itself as well.
Sure, Ozzie Guillen and Barry Bonds have come out to defend A-Rod, but as Claire told me earlier tonight, "Bonds and Guillen...there's the moral compass of Major League Baseball!"
People may defend Rodriguez by saying that what he did was no different than the old fake-throw move or the hidden-baseball-in-the-glove-at-first trick, but it's absolutely nothing like that. Clark was called off by a member of the opposing team that was impersonating one of his teammates without having any way of verifying who it was calling him off.
Need further proof that what Rodriguez did was wrong? A college player got called out on interference for the same thing recently. So why was the college player called out and Rodriguez wasn't? Because it's up the the umpire to decide whether they think it's interference or not. Maybe the ump last night missed it. But the mere fact that it could be illegal in some umpires' eyes makes it a bush league move.
Do I really blame A-Rod for what he did? Not really. Hey, he did it and got away with it, so why not? But he should be prepared to be called out for the dirty play.
Whether he said "ha" or "mine" will never be known. The next time the Yankees and Blue Jays play, A-Rod will get drilled, and he should take it like a man and go to first base. And that will be the end of it.
Maybe he and Clark can go out to a strip club later and make up.
Rich is sick. I know it's been almost a week since the last update, but I've been under the weather since Monday, so you may have to wait a little longer for the next post.
Yes, I am aware that the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie comes out today, and that many people saw it last night. I think people living on the planet formerly known as Pluto would know about it. I can't turn around without seeing Johnny Depp or that other really hot chick that's his sidekick...I think her name is Orlando something...
I found this one-line review for the new Pirates movie. It has to be one of the funniest movie reviews ever:
"The story is so convoluted and impenetrable, so impossible to grasp hold of, that viewers sit there wondering if they've had a stroke."
Here's my question: where were all the pirate fans in the 1990's? Where were all the pirate fans in the early 2000's? Hell, where were the pirate fans PRIOR to the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie? There weren't any. At least, not any that I know of. Pirates got no love. Ninjas were in and were all the rage. The rise of websites like RealUltimatePower.net show just how far people were willing to take their love of all things ninja.
And then Curse of the Black Pearl came out. And then EVERYONE loved pirates. It's disgusting.
The Official Rich Funk List of Biggest Bandwagons of My Lifetime:
1. Pirates 2. Michael Jackson (Remember when Alien Ant Farm put out that cover of Smooth Criminal and then all the sudden it was ok to be a Michael Jackson fan again for like 3 weeks and then EVERYONE was a Michael Jackson fan again?) 3. Rooting for the Patriots 4. Matt Riley (If you don't know what this one is, just move to the next one) 5. Being "patriotic"
Let me explain that last one before I get a swarm of angry e-mails. Being patriotic is fine. Hell, loving the USA is one of the best things that you can do. But there were so many people that suddenly became patriotic after 9/11 not because it was something to believe in and stand behind, but because it was trendy. I bet if you stop and think right now, everyone of you can think of at least one person you know that whipped out 50 flags for their dorm room on September 12th and had removed them all before Thanksgiving break hit.
But getting back to pirates...I can see the appeal they have. Living by your own rules, being rude to everyone, not bathing, etc. Hmmm...sounds like someone I know. No, not the French (well yes, them too)...
Paris Hilton = fabled pirate Stinky Crotch McGee
Need more convincing?
I think I'm on to something...
(Ok, this is what happens when I feel like I have to write something because it's Friday, but I don't have any set topic to talk about. I'm all over the place. I'm never allowed to do this again.)
Here's the last thing I'll mention about pirates: people should just make up their damn minds. Take the movie industry for instance...they spent...what...10 years telling us that "pirating" movies without paying for them was bad and should never be done. And now they see how profitable pirates are, and suddenly pirates and pirate activities are a good thing? WTF?
The only solution I can think of is to boycott At World's End in the theatres and find some shady guy down an alley to buy a pirated copy from.
Moving on...
Tonight Claire and I are going to the Cubs/Dodgers game. I'll finally get to see Ted Lilly pitch in person and decide if he's for real or not. I'm hoping he is. Hey, if Jason Marquis can have an ERA under 5 this late in the year, anything is possible. He's going to be opposed by Derek Lowe, one of my favorite Red Sox from years past. I can already tell that my Derek Lowe bobblehead is mad at me, but I've gotta cheer against the ex-Red Sox player if it benefits the current Cubs. The Brewers seem like they've cooled off a bit lately and the Cubs need to make a move to jump back into the Central race.
And by "make a move" I mean "not get swept by the Dodgers".
Which they probably will.
And just for fun, I was going to leave you all with another comic, but I couldn't choose between 3 of them, so you get them all! Have a good long weekend!
Oh, BTW...I'm going to tally up the votes for my new Mortal Enemy on Tuesday, so if you haven't voted yet, do so! The poll is on the right!
