I Have Lost All Faith In Humanity...

ATLANTA - A man admitted Tuesday that he tampered with his children's soup in an attempt to get money from Campbell Soup Co., a prosecutor said.

William Allen Cunningham's 3-year-old son and 18-month-old daughter were hospitalized twice in January 2006. He forced them first to eat soup laced with hot peppers and lighter fluid, and the second time used the prescription drugs Prozac and Amitriptyline - both used to treat depression - to poison the children, authorities said.

Cunningham, 41, pleaded guilty to communicating false claims, U.S. Attorney David Nahmias said. Under terms of a plea agreement, he faces up to five years in federal prison when he is sentenced April 19.

"He admitted that he put potentially life-threatening foreign substances into soup, which he fed to his two young children and then placed a call to Campbell Soup Co. falsely claiming that the soup had been contaminated," Nahmias said.

According to prosecutors, Cunningham called Campbell and threatened to sue. Authorities say there was no evidence the soup was tainted when it was bought.

Anna Nicole's Death...Government Conspiracy?

Remember that whole story about the batshit crazy astronaut that had a thing for adult diapers and pepper spray driving 900 miles to embarrass the government and our whole space program?

No?

Exactly.



Imagine you're some random, faceless behind-the-scenes government official. The story about the mentally disturbed astronaut comes out and turns NASA into a national joke almost overnight. People start asking questions...questions about what kind of people this government employs that can one day just snap and go off to kidnap her lover's mistress with a can of MACE in one hand and an extra large bag of Depends in the other.

You have to do something to get this story off the front pages and out of people's minds. You have to give the morning radio shows something else to talk about. Bomb threat? Nah...that's nothing new. Presidential affair? No one would believe anyone would willingly touch that old fart in the White House.

Kill a celebrity? Heeeyyyy..now we're cooking. But it's gotta be someone that no one would miss. Someone famous enough to take the pressure off of NASA, but not someone that everyone wouldn't see coming eventually anyway.

How about Anna Nicole Smith?

You may say that that's pretty far fetched, but honestly, what part of her life in the last 5 years or so HASN'T been completely far fetched? Hell, I just read a story that suggests that Anna's son is her daughter's father!

Come on...this would not be hard for the government to set up. It makes perfect sense.

"All too easy..."

I'm Not Gonna Get You A Diamond Ring...

Ladies and gentlemen...last week at Madison Square Garden in New York, Justin Timberlake was joined onstage by Andy Samberg and two well-wrapped packages for a live version of...

...Dick In A Box!



I know I know...this is the third Dick In A Box entry I've made in the short life of this blog, but come on...it's fantastic fine art!

A Court Restricts O.J. Simpson From Spending Any Of The $1 Million Advance He Earned From 'Hypothetically' Killing People

Yesterday, O.J. Simpson hardly seemed remorseful when he was asked to comment on the controversy surrounding his hypothetical confession, and the pain that ensued for the families of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

"I don't care, I got paid just the same," Simpson laughed to a newspaper reporter, while simultaneously reading Mein Kampf and eating babies.**

Today, however, the courts have responded, issuing a "harsh" ruling that puts Simpson's hard-earned blood money on hold.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A Los Angeles judge on Wednesday barred O.J. Simpson from spending, at least for now, the advance for his aborted book "If I Did It" about the murders of his ex-wife and her friend.

Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg's ruling broadens a January restraining order sought by the father of murder victim Ron Goldman and marks the latest twist in an ongoing legal fight over the reported $1 million advance.

Which means although The Juice may be loose, he's not laughing all the way to the bank...at least, not yet.

Meanwhile, in semi-related news, a non-working Tim Meadows wonders whether it's still "too soon" to remind everyone about those hilarious SNL parodies.

**Hypothetical Confession: I may have made up everything in that sentence except for Simpson's quotation.

"So We All Look Alike? Huh?? HUH?!?!?"

Will Smith seems like an exceedingly nice guy. Well, despite the fact that he wouldn't kiss a dude whilst playing a gay man in Six Degrees of Separation. Oh, and "Willenium". Ugh. So when he was mistaken for Barack Obama, he didn't take offense.

An older couple approached Smith and said, "We love what you're doing. You're so great for the country!" In true Hollywood fashion, Smith said, "Thank you!"

As the star walked away, the old man said, "And we'll be sure to vote for you."

In my opinion, he should have gone all Dennis Green on them and been like "I AM who you THOUGHT I WAS!!!!"

See Fah Luto Eetheen, Ee Yaba Ma Dukey Massa 90210?

Wow...Tori Spelling is really letting herself go. Maybe she's trying to promote Norbit...

New York Will Soon be Like Utah, Where They Don't Allow Music

Bill banning iPods and cellphones on New York City streets coming

Brace yourselves good people of New York, mother government is prepared to step in (again) and save you from yourselves. Senator Carl Kruger is reportedly set to introduce legislation that would ban the use of MP3 players, cellphones, and any other electronic device while crossing the street in New York City or other "big cities" in the state. The proposed ban follows two recent pedestrian deaths in Kruger's district where at least one is said to be the result of a person "listening to his iPod." We just gotta wonder: if police can't enforce jaywalking laws in NYC, how could they possibly enforce this?

Let's Get Down To Bidness...

I know all 3 or 4 of my faithful readers out there have been clamoring for more posts, and they're coming. I've been a bit busy for the last week or so, which explains the lack of posts. But I vow to not only update more than ever before, but there will also be a new feature to watch out for within the next few days...

Until then, here's a funny picture.