Usually I don't update on the weekends, but this is a special occasion. And those of you who know me know that I will NEVER miss a chance to hate on Nickelback. But this time...I wasn't alone.

Claire and I were eating last night, when "That Guy" came in and sat behind us with his friend. You know who "That Guy" is. I know that there are a lot of "That Guy's" out there, but this was "THAT Guy". Pantera t-shirt...hair past his shoulders with the bald spot in the back...dirty jeans tucked into leather motorcycle boots.

I didn't think much of the guy as he sat behind us with his friend because, let's face it, it's not exactly like this guy stands out here in Santa Monica. You're talking to the guy that had a homeless man use his garage as a bed for 2 nights and left behind his blanket and a pair of oversized glasses for us to remember him by.

What made this guy stand out was that as soon as he sat down, he started hatin' on Nickelback. Just the average talk really...how they suck...how they are ugly...the usual.

The part that makes this encounter noteworthy was the last thing we heard this guy say. I wanted to share it because I REALLY think that it sums up how most of America feels about Nickelback.

"I don't think there are any really hardcore Nickelback fans out there, are there? Well statistically I guess there has to be. They're probably all overweight people though."

Classic.


This is what the dude looked like. Ronnie James himself. HOOOLY DIIIIVER!!!

Weekend News and Notes

Red Sox/Yankees round 2 this weekend. Cubs/Cards round 2 as well.

Nothing cool enough to blog about happened yesterday, so I've got a bunch of little stories to hopefully tide you over for the weekend.

• There's a dude in Nebraska who is being charged for spending money that was his but wasn't really his (what?). According to the story, the bank put over $100,000 in his bank account over the course of a few months, and now the guy is in deep crap because he spent it. Look, I know it wasn't his money, but if the bank is going to make that mistake and not catch it for MONTHS...come on...they have insurance to cover that kind of thing, right?
• A grandma in New Zealand bought her granddaughter a Happy Meal. She opens up the bag to see what the toy her granddaughter got, and BAM!!! It's...a condom. True story. Ronald's got some 'splaining to do.
• "My boyfriend is in jail for 30 years for manslaughter, but I really want to have sex with him. What ever do I do? I know! I'll make a fake government ID and pretend I'm a lawyer coming to see him. No one will ever see us. It's the perfect plan..." Wasn't this the plot for Backdoor Jail Sluts 9?
• It seems like every few weeks I come across a story like this, where a guy robbing a store isn't paying attention and the guy behind the counter steals his gun or someone breaks into a store and gets stuck there till morning. Criminals are stupid, and this guy is no exception. It's one thing to rob a convenience store. It's another thing to rob one that's a few blocks from your house. It's another thing entirely to drop the receipt for your AK-47 as you leave with your name on it! At least he can prove that he didn't steal the gun too, right? Oh, and all he was stealing from the store was $75 and 2 cartons of smokes.
• Oh my god...shoes.

That's all. Have a nice weekend. And check your Happy Meal bags.

Mickey Brown Eye

"Oh...oh I do believe I'm in a spot of trouble!"

In case you didn't hear, yesterday People Magazine named Drew Barrymore its Most Beautiful Person Alive.

Filled with an infinite jealous rage, Hugh Grant wasn't about to be upstaged by his Music And Lyrics co-star. But how to grab the headlines...

"Oh yeah! I'll just throw a can of baked beans at a photographer! Jolly good!"

That's right, folks. London police are reporting that Hugh Grant has been arrested for allegedly throwing a container of baked beans at a photographer. And not only did he throw beans, but he kicked and verbally abused the photographer beforehand!

I've hated Hugh Grant for years, and I'm glad he keeps giving me reasons to. But for once, I wish he'd just go for it, you know? I mean, throwing beans? Honestly, who throws beans? Was he all out of Manwich? Was he saving his macaroni salad for dinner that night?

Anyway, to help out those of you who have no imagination, here's an artist's rendering of the incident. Yes, I am a professional artist.



What a douchebag.

Year Zero

Normally, I'm not one to gush about a new album that comes out. Sometimes I'll suggest it to my friends. Sometimes I'll pass out a few copies to people I know. But on a rare occasion, I'll actually spend time trying to convince people to go out and give something a serious listen. And this is one of those times.

When I heard that there was a new Nine Inch Nails album coming out this year, I had mixed feelings. Sure, more NIN is a good thing, but it hadn't been very long since the last album and I heard that NIN mastermind Trent Reznor had recorded most of the album while on his bus during the With Teeth tour. I was expecting it to sound rushed and probably not as great as With Teeth, which I thought was only above average.

Word that the new disc was a concept album about the future leaked, which basically made me roll my eyes and push the album from my mind. What's up with all these bands feeling like they have to put out concept albums? Sure, it could end up really good like American Idiot or The Black Parade...but it could just as easily suck balls like he debacle known as Sam's Town. I thought Year Zero (the new album's name) was going to suck.

I was very wrong.

Year Zero is technically an album. You'd be safe in saying that. There's instruments and vocals that make up 16 songs on a CD, which last I checked, is an album. But at the same time, it's much more than that.

I've always been a huge fan of Trent Reznor. He's always been a really smart person and way ahead of his time musically. And since he's finally kicked drugs, he's been a very engaging and aware person in the interviews I've read about him. Part of what makes Year Zero so great is the fact that it goes beyond being just "an album". Reznor himself admits that Year Zero is "the soundtrack to a movie that has yet to be made."

Allow me to explain...

The Year Zero album cover

Year Zero is set about 15 years in the future, where the government controls everything. According to reports, the first sign that Year Zero was coming came some time last year during the With Teeth tour. A fan that bought a NIN shirt at the concert noticed when he got home that there were words printed on the back of his shirt. He didn't notice it till he got home since the printing was black-on-black, but when he held it up into the light he saw it:
"I AM TRYING TO BELIEVE"

Throwing that phrase into a Google search came up with this webpage. Long story short, it's a bunch of reports about Parepin, a drug that the government has been putting into America's water supply saying that it helps our immune systems. However, possible side effects may include mind control and causing people who take it to hallucinate (seeing giant hands coming down from the sky).

A quick e-mail to the site admin gives you this auto-reply message:

Thank you for your interest. It is now clear to me that Parepin is a completely safe and effective agent developed to protect us from bio-terrorism. The Administration is acting purely in the best interests of its citizens; to suggest otherwise was irresponsible and I deeply regret it. I'm drinking the water. So should you.

Over time, other clues and stories related to Year Zero have been popping up. Videos have been appearing on YouTube showing giant hands reaching down from the sky. Fake posters have been hung at and around NIN concerts calling for a resistance. Stickers have been showing up on public payphones like the one pictured below.

More and more websites have been popping up as well, each of them giving us more background on what's happened over the last 15 years to lead America to the events in Year Zero. You can find all of them here, a site dedicated to discussing the websites (there are now over 30!) and everything that has to do with Year Zero. My personal favorites are Hollywood In Memoriam, which tells the story of when dirty bombs went off at the 81st Academy Awards, and Art Is Resistance.

But none of that is important, is it? I mean, all of this back story means nothing if the album sucks, right?

Well, that's true. Luckily, that's not the case.

I would say that Year Zero was an exceptional album even without the background info. While waaay less guitar-driven than With Teeth, the industrial mash-up with Reznor's sometimes spoken/sometimes sung way of delivering lyrics stands up against both and The Downward Spiral and The Fragile. But knowing what this project is all about gives all of the songs so much subtext that it completely brings the album to a whole new level. If you know even a little bit about the world of Year Zero, the songs start to make sense, both individually and as a whole. My Violent Heart and Zero-Sum, two of the stronger tracks on the album, are fantastic anthems for the fictitious resistance in this bleak future world. And sure, Capital G is a big "fuck you" aimed directly at George Bush (I push the button and elect him into office/He push the button and he drops the bomb), it really can be directed toward anyone at any time that refuses to listen to the people.

Look, I can go on and on about what I love about this album, but I'll just say that if you like music at all, and if you're interested in listening to something that's just a collection of singles and filler with nothing that connects the songs, go buy this album.

And if you want a small taste of the world of Year Zero, call this number: 1-866-445-6580. It's the number of the United States Bureau of Morality. It was on a stamp on the back of the album and it said to call that number if you knew anyone in possession of the CD. Go ahead and try it...it only takes about 54 seconds.

As I said before, Trent Reznor is way ahead of his time, and the world he's created for Year Zero is just one sign of that. Before the album came out, Trent would leave USB drives in the bathroom stalls of the concert venues he was playing at that contained where to find some of the websites, as well as MP3 recordings of some of the album's tracks. Asked why he did it, Reznor said, "The USB drive was simply a mechanism of leaking the music and data we wanted out there. The medium of the CD is outdated and irrelevant. It's really painfully obvious what people want — DRM-free music they can do what they want with. If the greedy record industry would embrace that concept I truly think people would pay for music and consume more of it." I couldn't agree more.

The thing I love most about this album is that it isn't a record just to have another record out on the market. Reznor made this album as a statement. He made it to be art and to say something to his audience, which is a lot more than Hinder has ever done for their fans.

And the best part is that there's 2 more albums on the way in the next few years.

(NOTE: If you want to catch up on the whole Year Zero world quickly, go here or here. It's like Cliffsnotes.)


You have set something in motion
Much greater than you've ever known
Standing there in all your grand naivety
About to reap what you have sown
Time will feed upon your weaknesses
And soon you'll lose the will to care
When you return to the place that you call home
We will be there...


We will be there...
- Nine Inch Nails, My Violent Heart

"You know how I feel about the homeless. They're human beings. And they have no homes."

Quick story about our Saturday.

Claire and I were going to go out and run some errands on Saturday. It was about noon when we left the house to go to Claire's car. In our building, we actually park underneath the apartments, so we have to leave the building, walk around the front, and go behind/on the side to get to the car port. There's a bunch of "garages" down there, and each section has 2 cars per unit. Claire's car is always parked on the right side of the unit we're in.

I was about to get in the passenger side of the car when I had the following thoughts in order:

"Great...someone left a pile of crap next to Claire's car."

"It looks like there's a pair of shoes in that crap."

"Shit...that's a person next to the car!"

That's right folks...there was a homeless person sleeping next to Claire's car in our garage, right between the car and the wall. Here's a shoddy picture of the scene (the homeless man was wearing red Converse shoes):


I didn't know what to do, and I obviously didn't want to wake this guy up because he might be crazy. This is the exchange between Claire and myself. Keep in mind that it was all spoken in that kind of "loud-whisper" that people do when something is important but they have to be quiet:

"Claire, don't get in the car. I'll back it out and then you can get in."
"Why?"
"There's a guy next to the car. I think he's sleeping."
"What?"
"THERE"S A HOMELESS DUDE RIGHT HERE!"
"No way!"

We retreated from the garage and had a meeting about what we should do about the guy. We were just going to take my car that was parked out on the street, but we didn't want to have some homeless guy just sleeping next to Claire's car while we were out. But the problem is that our garage is at a funny angle, and to get Claire's car out, I would have had to drive right over the homeless dude.

We decided that I should back the car out, and see if I could somehow get around him. So I did, and we were able to get out. It's funny because when I turned the car on, the engine was about a foot and a half from this guy's head...and he didn't even wake up. He shifted around a little bit like I was disturbing his beauty sleep, but that's it. He never even looked out from under his blanket. I was glad he moved at least a little bit...he could have been dead!

There are 2 things about this story that irritated me:

1. Look, I know that being homeless must be really hard work, what with the walking and sitting and picking through trash and all...but it was fucking NOON when we left and this guy was still sleeping. Come on! I'm sick of these slacker hobos...no respect for their hardworking hobo forefathers.

2. When we came back home a few hours later, he was gone, but when I checked the next morning, the homeless guy was back!!! The first day that we found him, it was kind of funny in a "Ha ha ha...there's a homeless guy sleeping in our garage. How funny!" The second time wasn't funny. That's when it starts getting creepy. We called the cops, and they came by to tell him to move along.

The good news is that he hasn't been back for the past 3 nights. The bad news is that he left his dirty nasty homeless blanket behind, and it's still in the corner of our garage. Hey, I ain't touching that nasty thing!

School's Failure To Change Clocks Lands Student 12-day Stint In Juvie

So even though the world didn't come to an end due to the earlier daylight-savings time changeover this year, one 15-year resident of Hempfield, PA certainly got burned by the supposed energy-conserving maneuver, as his school's inability or failure to change all of their clocks earned him 12 days in juvenile detention on charges of making a bomb threat. The story goes like this: For some reason sophomore Cody Webb decided to call the Hempfield Area High School delay hotline in the early morning hours of March 11 -- very close to the time we "sprang ahead" -- and claims to have hung up immediately after listening to the obvious "no delay" message. Well unfortunately for him, someone else called Hempfield that morning with a bomb threat, and because the phone system erroneously time-stamped that call as coming just minutes after Cody's, school and local law enforcement geniuses decided that they must have been made by the same person (despite one call showing up on caller ID while the other was blocked). Long story short, it took Cody's parents and their lawyer 12 days to get the honors student out of juvie; and while you would expect a public apology from everyone involved in this blunder after the facts came out, school officials are trying to pass the blame along to the state, which seems more concerned with covering its proverbial legal ass than making things right for the now-home-schooled Cody. Lessons learned? 1. Our schools need to devote more resources to teaching the nuances of telling time, and 2. Teenagers are clearly better off partying and causing mischief on a Saturday night than sitting at home on the phone.

Virginia Tech: NOT PREVENTABLE

I'll try to be brief with my comments on the events at Virginia Tech yesterday. No jokes this time. All seriousness, I promise.


I don't know what a lot of you felt when you heard about the shootings at Virginia Tech yesterday. I'm going to be completely honest: it didn't even phase me. I felt sorry for the families that had lost someone, but not much else. As the reported casualty number kept climbing throughout the afternoon, I wasn't mad. I wasn't even that shocked to be honest with you.

Am I that jaded, or is this the world we live in? Is it that I've given up most of my faith in humanity and expect these things to happen every once in a while because that's how people are? Or has this kind of thing become so commonplace that there are actually a large number of people out there like me that watched the coverage on CNN last night and thought "This doesn't surprise me."

To be entirely truthful, I did feel something else as the hours passed and new details kept rolling in. I felt annoyed. It was the kind of annoyance that came with knowing that, in an example of "Americans being Americans", this event was going to be twisted around into things that it wasn't for the benefit of people that have no right to benefit off of an event like this.

Whenever there's an event like what happened yesterday, it seems to me like it's a pure moment in the truest sense of the word. There are real feelings that are felt, and deservedly so. Grief, sadness, fright...these are real feelings that people are experiencing. But every time an event like this happens, there are people there that spoil the purity of the grief and the sadness by attempting to convince people to turn those feelings against a common enemy.

Sad that your friend/son/daughter got shot and killed? Use that sadness to write your Congressman to ask them to support a ban on violent video games.

Angry that someone could shoot up so many people so easily? Turn that anger onto the lobbyists who support the right to bear arms.

That is why I felt annoyed as I was hearing about the events of yesterday's shootings unfold. I could see it coming a mile away. The reactions and feelings of a nation are going to be recruited to 100 different causes.

I'm going to try to explain this as clearly as I can: THERE IS A 99.99999% CHANCE THAT THIS COULD NOT HAVE BEEN STOPPED. You know what the bottom line is? A student, for one reason or another, got it into his head that he was going to shoot some people. Whether he was planning on just shooting one person or if he planned to kill over 30 people from the beginning, this student made up his mind to take the lives of others. This wasn't something that happened in the heat of the moment. The fact that the classroom he shot up was chained shut leads me to believe that this was planned.

And you know what? As of right now, there is no single person/entity to blame. This is not the fault of people that support the second amendment. This is not the fault of Marilyn Manson/Ozzy Ozzbourne/Snoop Dogg. This cannot be blamed on Halo 2. Yet all of them are most likely going to receive some kind of blame, as will many other people/institutions.

The shootings at Virginia Tech were a huge event, and people are going to be coming out on both sides of a lot of issues trying to use it to catch your ear. Here's the thing: more gun control would not have stopped this shooting from happening. Less gun control would not have stopped this shooting from happening. Unless there's a timestamped videotape that surfaces of the shooter holding up 2 forms of government ID and hooked up to a polygraph saying "I am going to kill 32 people and then myself because Snoop Dogg told me to," I refuse to believe that rap/rock music had anything to do with this. Violent video games and movies had nothing to do with this shooting. Yet you are going to hear a lot of people in the next few days telling you otherwise. The first of these stories started coming out just hours after the shootings. And I'm sure it doesn't help that the student was South Korean either. I don't know about you, but I've met people in my life that will have no problem using this event as justification that we should go to war with South Korea in the near future. They may not use this event as their entire justification, but if things between the US and South Korea ever get dicey, you can bet there's going to be some people sitting at the bar watching Fox News and saying "You know who else was South Korean? That kid who shot up Virginia Tech. See? They're all evil."

The one thing I can't really comment on is how the University handled the situation. They seem to be catching some heat for not being more efficient in notifying students of the situation. I went to a college with 500 students, so I have no idea how hard it is to alert thousands of students on a massive campus of something like this.

The one issue that seems like it's going to be bigger than any other is gun control. Here's the bottom line: increased gun control would not have helped this situation. If someone makes up their mind that they want to shoot someone, they are going to get their hands on a gun one way or another. From what I've heard, the guns that the shooter used were handguns that were not very big at all, so it wasn't like security was allowing someone to walk around campus with a bazooka. You and I could have been walking next to this student down the sidewalk and not even noticed that he had a gun up his sleeve or in his pocket. I'm not saying that I'm pro-gun control or pro-2nd Amendment on this one. I'm just saying that it seems like we're all going to hear more people calling out for stricter gun control than anything else, and it probably would not have made any difference whatsoever yesterday.

33 people are dead and many more are injured, and I honestly believe that this tragedy was not preventable. I know that new facts about the case are surfacing every minute, and if facts come to light that completely make everything I've said here completely untrue, then I'll be the first to admit publicly that I was wrong. Nothing would make me happier. But I don't think that's going to happen.

This was a terrible event, and my thoughts go out to the families and friends of the deceased and wounded. I would encourage everyone to take at least a few minutes and talk to others around you about it, just to say what you think. Just don't use the events of yesterday's shootings to further your own agenda. That's probably the most respectful thing anyone can do.

Mark Prior: R.I.P.

I'm done. Finished. I quit. For 4 straight seasons, I've been waiting for Mark Prior to be "Mark Prior" again. For 4 straight seasons, I never gave up hope, trying to clear him a spot on my Fantasy Baseball teams and hoping he could turn things around. But not anymore.

As of today, I've given up on Mark Prior.

I won't pay attention to his rehab starts. I won't hope for him to get called back up. I would bet money on the fact that Mark Prior will never throw another major league pitch for the Cubs again.

Don't get me wrong...I loved the kid. When he got called up, I scoured eBay to find an autographed Mark prior baseball, a baseball that still sits on top of our bookshelf today next to my bobbleheads. I own 10 Mark Prior rookie cards. I only started watching baseball seriously in 1998, so I wasn't able to follow Kerry Wood's rise to the majors. Mark prior was my first "I will pay attention to every move you make from draft day till you get to the Majors" player. A large part of the excitement of the 2003 season was knowing Mark would go out there every 5 days and shut someone down. He went 18-6 that year with 245 strikeouts and would have won the Cy Young if not for Eric Gagne converting 100 saves or so (and it's a little odd how similar both of their careers have been from that year on).

When the Cubs were talking to the Orioles about a possible Prior for Tejada swap, I thought it would have been a terrible move for the Cubs. Now, it would have looked like genius. I can't help but think about how good we would be with a healthy Prior right now. Would you want to face this rotation in a short series?

Zambrano
Prior
Hill
Lilly


If Prior was healthy, we wouldn't have to worry about Wade Miller every 5 days. That would be amazing...

So what brought all of this on? Yesterday in his first minor league start, Prior was supposed to go 3 innings at least. He left in the second inning with "discomfort" in his shoulder. Honestly, I think he's more injured than he's letting on and he's not saying anything about it because he wanted his $3.5 million before he season.

A few years ago when Prior was accused of taking steroids, I thought it was crazy talk, but now I'm not so sure. The constant injuries are there. His velocity has dropped from 97 mph to about 89. And the most damning piece of evidence of all...the disappearance of Calfzilla.

Prior's teammates at USC nicknamed him Calfzilla because of the fact that he had massive cartoonish calves. Now all of the sudden, they're gone. Now before you say "Come on...his calves get a bit smaller and you accuse him of steroid use?" you have to keep in mind that his calves were bigger than most apartments in my neighborhood. And now, they're nothing.

Compare these two pictures (from his rookie year and from the 2004 game where he got hit in the elbow by a batted ball, respectively)...




...to this picture of Mark in Spring Training this year:


Whether it's steroids or not, something fishy is going on.

I'm giving up on Prior now, because there's only 2 ways this can end up:

1. Prior remains hurt and never comes close to being his old self.
2. Prior pulls a Lou Brock/Rafael Palmero, gets traded, and goes on to have a Hall of Fame career.

Either way, I think it's best that I cut ties with him now, once and for all. Here's to the 2003 version of Mark Prior. May he rest in peace.

Fuck Dusty Baker too.

Cop Tickets And Other Notes For The Day

"Don't make me take myself to jail..."

So here's a funny story to wake up to: a cop in Green Bay wrote a ticket...for himself! Apparently this police officer was following a speeder and had to swerve to miss a snowblower wheel coming around a turn and he accidentally rear-ended the speeder. So after about 3 weeks, the cop said that it was bothering him so much that he wrote himself a $160 ticket for improper lane use that he fully intends to pay. Yeah, I fully intend to be nicer to poor people, but it doesn't mean that I'm gonna do it...

Other stories of interest:

• A dude in Saudi Arabia had part of his nose taken off by his 2 wives because he threatened to marry a third. The best part of the article is the fact that the headline is "Man's Wives Have No Sense of Humor". Mysteriously, they never tell what exactly happened to his nose, so all I can think of is Chris Farley in Dirty Work and the Saigon whore that bit his nose off.

"We meet again...NOSE BITER!!!"

• The German Army drafted a 4-week old baby. Do I really need to add anything else?

• Today is Dice-K Mania Part II, when Daisuke Matsuzaka makes his Fenway Park debut for the Red Sox against the Seattle Mariners. Everyone is making a big deal about the matchup, since the first pitch of the game will be from Matsuzaka to Ichiro, two of the biggest baseball icons from Japan. I can already tell that Ichiro will have a boner. Don't believe me? Check out his quote from this article:

"I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul," he says. "I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."

Ummm...what? I smell a man-crush.

Baseball, Baseball, Baseball

Before anything else, I must speak about Dice-K. He was amazing yesterday. he didn't even look like he was trying against the Royals. He actually looked bored.

I'm not going to argue that he was nothing short of what we all expected of him, but to quote The Wolf from Pulp Fiction, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet." Remember, Dice-K isn't the first player to strike out 10 or more in his MLB debut. Hell, he's not even the first Japanese pitcher to do it! Since 1999, the list looks like:

D. Matsuzaka, 2007, Boston-Kansas City	Career just starting ...
A. Harang, 2002, Oakland-Tampa Bay	48-43 career W-L; led NL in K in '06
M. Prior, 2002, Chi. Cubs-Pittsburgh	42-29 career, 1-6 in '06 and not on Cubs' Opening Day roster
K. Ishii, 2002, L.A. Dodgers-Colorado	39-34 career, last pitched in MLB for Mets in '05
T. Hudson, 1999, Oakland-San Diego	119-60 career, 8 straight winning seasons

That's good company, but not great company. Look, nothing would make me happier than Matsuzaka going 23-2 this year or something like that. But let's not anoint him as the second coming of Pedro just yet.

Ok, on to the regularly scheduled babble...

Sure, Opening Day is great. But for me, the real baseball season starts today.

Opening Day isn't really Opening Day anymore, because it's actually split into 3 days: Sunday night, the first game is played, Monday is when most of the other teams play their first games, and Tuesday has a handful of openers as well. This entire week has been filled with half-days and travel days.

Not anymore.

Finally, every single MLB team is going to be in action today. There's something satisfying about looking at the roster of my fantasy baseball team and seeing that they're all going to have a chance at helping me out tonight and this weekend.

Speaking of fantasy baseball, some of you may know that it's been a hobby of mine for almost a decade. I've always loved playing, but for some reason, it's worse this year. Each team has only played 3 games, but I'm already scouring the box scores after every single game, trying to find the next breakthrough star. When there are games on while I'm at work, I have to force myself to not check the scoreboards every 3 minutes and actually concentrate on my work.

Every year I've played fantasy baseball, I've played on Yahoo. This year, the league I'm in with my usual friends is on ESPN because it's easier to use and they let you select keepers, which is something I want to pitch to our league before the end of the season. But for the sake of tradition (and because one team is NEVER enough), I signed up for a Yahoo public league as well. I didn't take it too seriously, and Comedy Central was showing I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka! while I was drafting, and before you know it, I had a terrible draft. My players were decent, but they weren't "my guys". So I guess I'm going to have to work the waiver wire a bit to get back in the swing of things.

To help those fellow fantasy-philes out there, here's a list of players that have gotten off to a hot start that I think will keep it up:

John Maine: I'm very impressed by this kid and I think he really has a chance to break through this year. Maine was basically a throw-in in the Kris Benson-for-Rodrigo Lopez deal, but he pitched pretty well last year. Check out his stats:

Regular Season: 90.0 IP, 3.60 ERA, 1.13 WHIP, 71 K, 33 BB
Postseason: 13.7 IP, 2.63 ERA

He started great this past week, and pitching half his games in Shea for that Mets offense will keep his wins up and his ERA down. Verdict: Grab him if you can.

Rich Harden: I've always been a fan of Harden, but the guy is the AL's Mark Prior. He always gets hurt, so why should this year be any different? I have no reasons to think so...except that I do. Call it a hunch, but I really believe that this is going to be the breakout year that Harden owners have been waiting for. The fact that he plays half his games in a very pitcher-friendly park is great. The fact that he has a lockdown bullpen and a closer that's on his own comeback trail helps even more. Still not enough for you? How about this: Oakland has won 11 consecutive regular-season games started by Harden since Aug. 14, 2005, and he's 6-0 in those starts. Verdict: Cy Young contender.

Curtis Granderson: The good: Granderson sits on top of one of the best offenses in the league. He hits for power, steals a few bases, and makes good decisions on the basepaths. The Bad: .218 lifetime average against lefties. The Ugly: Check out his K rate...brutal. The Verdict: He's a very poor man's Grady Sizemore. If your league doesn't count OBP and you can sit him versus lefties, he's worth a shot.

By the way, I have a newly-forming man-crush on Grady Sizemore. Not only did I have him on one team last year, I have him again this year and he's an incredible player. He led the league with 53 doubles last year, and it seems like some of those doubles are now clearing the wall (3 HR in 3 games this year). And it's a double bonus because Claire owns him in her league team, and so she'll develop a deep love for him too, if she hasn't already.

(Yes, my girlfriend plays fantasy baseball. If you can think of anything cooler than that, feel free to leave a comment. Good luck with that.)

"The Man"

News And Notes

Today is a good day. Rich gets paid today. The Cubs won. The Red Sox won. The A's won. It's almost the weekend. It's finally getting light in the mornings when I leave for the first time since Daylight Savings.

I've come across a lot of cool stuff to share over the last few days, but nothing awesome enough to deserve its own post, so I'm going to combine them all here. Enjoy.

• Like I said already, the Cubs won yesterday. I think it's worth mentioning that the Cubs won using the exact blueprint they came into the season looking to follow; Lilly pitched 7 strong innings (9 K's! Nice!), Howry to Dempster locked it down, and SIX (6!) CUBS WALKS! If you didn't see the Cubs play last year (or the year before that, or the year before that, etc.), you should know that 6 walks is an AMAZING feat. These guys used to walk less than Stephen Hawking.
• Daisuke Matsuzaka-Mania begins today. My prediction: 6 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 2 ER, 7K
• We now have an answer to the age-old Oriental question: Whoo Flung Poo? It was the Principal! She blamed stress. I say she's half baboon.
• This is a little older, but the Choco-Jesus exhibit was canceled. The best part of this story is that she actually called it "My Sweet Lord". I'm not making this up.
• Props to my co-worker Erin for suggesting this video. It's Kermit the Frog covering Johnny Cash's version of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt". It doesn't sound that funny, and it isn't...but it kind of is, and then some. Just watch and see for yourself.
• Anyone who's ever been a fan of wrestling (and even if you just like watching stupid people) should watch this compilation of the best botched wrestling moves. Truly breathtaking. The best one is about 1:30 in when the dude climbs the ropes and pumps up the crowd before diving off and delivering some kind of face-kick...but slips and falls off the ropes before he can.

I could have made those all into separate entries and made them cover a whole week, but I decided to give them to you all at once. It's an Easter miracle.

Florida Wins NCAA Championship...49 States Don't Care

Yes, Florida won its second straight national title in NCAA basketball. Yes, the Gators also won the BCS Championship too. But other than allowing me to win my first office pool ever (It's been 9 years!), I blame Florida for one of the most boring Final Fours in recent memory. I didn't enjoy the Big Dance at all this year.

Most of the ill-will I have toward the NCAA tourney I blame on Joakim Noah, the "leader" of Florida Gators. He's annoying, kind of fugly, and not even one of the 20 most talented players in college hoops.

Did I also mention that he's a woman?

Yes, I have done some research and found out the ugly truth: Joakim Noah is a woman. It's the most obvious thing I've ever seen. I mean, why else would (s)he go around screaming and yelling at every pedestrian thing (s)he does to try to demonstrate manliness? Noah yells after every single goddamn event (s)he's involved in.

Noah grabs a rebound:


Noah finds a decent parking spot:


Noah fits in a pedicure between classes:


Noah pours a bowl of cereal:


Why else would someone go out of their way to show us so many examples of "manliness" unless they were actually a woman trying to pass themselves off as a man?

At least Noah can guarantee that (s)he's going to be the top pick in next year's draft. The WNBA DRAFT!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!



Fine...need more proof? Look at these pictures and tell me that Noah isn't a woman!


"No one can denyyyyyy....this looooove...I have insiiiiiide...."


"And I giiiiive it all to youuuu....my love....my love..."


"My....endless loooooove..."

Los Angeles Suffers Longest Dry Spell in 130 Years

LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Los Angeles is going through its longest dry spell in at least 130 years, the National Weather Service said Sunday, fueling fears of rampant wildfires which have plagued the US west coast in recent years.

"The rain season is currently the driest to date in downtown Los Angeles since records began in 1877," the weather service said in a statement.

It said the southern California city had received just 2.47 inches (6.27 centimeters) of rain since July 1, 2006, far from the normal precipitation of 13.94 inches (35.4 centimeters) in the same period.

"If downtown Los Angeles receives less than 1.95 inches of rain from now through June 30th this will become the driest rain season ever," it said.

The record-holder is the 2001-2002 season which saw just 4.42 inches (11.22 centimeters) of rain.

Southern California is repeatedly the victim of wildfires, some of them of criminal origin like the arson-caused inferno that blazed Friday near the famed Hollywood sign in the hills overlooking Los Angeles, destroying some 150 acres (60 hectares) of brush.

The worst earth-scorching year on record in the United States was in 2006, when fires burned nearly 15.5 thousand square miles (39,957 square kilometers) -- an area close to the size of Switzerland.

Gold Ol' LA...if the smog doesn't kill you, there's always dying of thirst to look forward to.