Rich's Trip To The Ghetto

This weekend, I participated in a time-honored tradition in Los Angeles. I didn't attend a Lakers game. I didn't meet a celebrity while strolling down Hollywood Blvd. I didn't get shot.

No, what I did was much better than all of those things combined.

I accidentally visited the ghetto.

Allow me to explain...

I was driving North on the 405 when I looked down and realized the my low fuel light had been on for an indeterminable amount of time. I was scared that I was going to run out of gas, so I took the next exit I got to in search of fuel.

I should have known right off the bat that I was in trouble. The street I was on was Alameda Ave. On the left side of me was nothing but train tracks and big freight trains and not much else. This was warning sign number one. Land in LA is at a premium and very expensive. If you ever go anywhere in LA and there's an empty space with nothing much built on it, there's probably a good reason for that. On the right of me was nothing but big warehouses with trucks coming and going.

After a few miles, I started getting nervous. My surroundings were decent, but I couldn't find a gas station. I didn't know if I should continue on down Alameda, which was yielding no results whatsoever, or take a turn down a random street and see if my luck would improve.

I stuck to Alameda thinking that on my way back, I wouldn't have to worry about getting lost because I would just have a straight shot back to the 405. After 10 miles or so, I was really getting anxious, as I was in the middle of nowhere and I could run out of gas at any time.

Well...that's not entirely true. I wasn't in the middle of nowhere. At a random stoplight, I looked up at the street sign for the street I was about to cross:

COMPTON BLVD
City of Compton

Trying to keep myself in a safe state of denial, I thought "Well, that's just a street. Just because I'm at Compton Blvd. doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in Compton, does it? Wait...what does that little part at the bottom of the sign say?"

City of Compton

"Oh...awesome."

(Now before anyone even thinks of accusing me of being a racist, you can just stop right here. I wasn't scared of being in Compton because it's mostly filled with blacks and Latinos. I was scared of being in Compton because it's a very violent place, regardless of the race of the person currently stabbing you. Bad things happen there, and they happen a lot. Rappers always talk about how dangerous Compton is. They actually lived there. I visited once by accident. I will believe them.)

I got my phone out and called Claire.

"Claire...I'm in Compton. What do I do?"

"(silence)...what?"

"I'm in Compton!"

"Turn around and get back on the freeway!"

There really was no right answer to this problem. Either I kept driving into the heart of (statistically) one of the unsafest places in the country in the hope of finding a gas station, or I turn around and leave, which puts me at the risk of being stranded there.

I decided to keep driving. Luckily, a block after I got off the phone, I was able to find a Shell station. I filled up, got in the car, and left without any kind of incident.

And now I can act a lot tougher than I really am. "What, you think you're tough? I go to Compton! Hell, I buy gas in Compton, son! What's up now?"

I'm just glad I didn't run into any hardcore thugs...like Jamie Kennedy. That dude is harder than concrete. Legit.

Fox Sports Net And Fellatio

The A's have been in Anaheim for the last 2 nights, so we have been watching the games on FSN because it's a lot cooler than watching on Gamecast.

I just want to make it clear before I go any further that I love the Simpsons and I am as excited as the rest of the general population that the movie is coming out this weekend.

But Jesus Christ...where does it end???

I know that the "F" in "FSN" stands for Fox. I know that Fox is releasing the Simpsons Movie. I expected the 50 commercials for it between innings. I would have been fine with it if it stopped there.

But it didn't. It seemed like every 3 seconds during the game, there was some kind of Simpsons reference or advertisement. Whenever there was a break between batters, the 2 Angels announcers (whoa re AWFUL, but that's an entirely separate post) had to remind us to watch the post-game show where the two of them were going to get "Simpson-ized". Between pitches and coming back from commercial breaks, a little animated Homer ran across the screen and dumped cartoon yellow paint on everything. Hell, Fox put 2 people dressed as Homer and Marge AT THE ANGELS GAME yesterday!

I was planning on making this just a very short, very vulgar post, but since most of you (I assume) don't like to wake up and see nasty language on your screen first thing in the morning, I've decided to clean up my next statement a bit.

Watching the game last night, I was truly astounded at how hard Fox could perform fellatio on itself. It was difficult to comprehend. I couldn't tell where the mouth stopped and the...fellated organ started.



I'm sorry if that was still a little much for anyone, but I couldn't get across how I felt any other way. I'd say "Screw FSN" but I think that's already been taken care of.


Now I know what you may be thinking: "But Rich, don't you take part in the same gross cross-promotion when you try to get more traffic to your site by advertising it on your livejournal and MySpace accounts?" Now it may seem like I'm the pot calling the kettle black on this one. I have been known to cross-promote my posts here and at Thunder Matt's Saloon (See? I just did it again!) like a quasi-Ryan Seacrest. But the fact is, I was trying to watch a baseball game when all these Simpsons things were forced onto me. Now if you were reading something on ESPN.com or trying to find some good hardcore pornography and ads for my blog started popping up, then it would be the same thing. But since that doesn't happen, I think I can convince myself that I'm not being a total hypocrite for one more day.

Question of The Day

In our society, whenever we depict aliens in movies or on TV, why are they always naked?







ANSWER: Most science fiction writers are perverts.

In fact, there's only one alien that always shows up in clothing on a consistent basis in this country:

FRIDAY THE 13TH!!! SCARY!!!!

"Gotcha, bitch!"

AHHHHHH! RUN! IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! HEEELLLLLLP!!!!!

(Actually, the only way I would run away would be if it was Friday the 13th Part V. But not Freddie Vs. Jason. That movie was the balls.)

So news! Last week I was approached by the head honchos over at Thunder Matt's Saloon to see if I wanted to become one of their "bartenders" (writers). Seeing how I love to write non-sensical stuff (and the fact that I love me some Matt Murton), I said yes. If you are unfamiliar with either "Thunder" Matt Murton or the Saloon...shame on you. You need to go there now.

I've already got an article up...I'm writing (creatively) under the name "Rich". Check it out.

So, is this the end of the glorious nation of Funktopia?



Hell naw!

Funktopia will still exist. And I am still (slowly) going to be creating its own webpage so I can get off of Blogger once and for all. But now you'll just get twice the content!

So yeah. That's cool.

And speaking of Friday the 13th, if you're bored this weekend and haven't crapped your pants in a while, here's my Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time:


10. Event Horizon

This movie may not actually be one of the Top 10 Scariest Movies to some people, but it is for me. In my brain, it'll always be scarier than it actually was because I was 12 years old when I saw it. Still, the thought of a demonic space station killing off members of a rescue crew is scary stuff. And the scariest part is that I wanted to buy this movie when I was in college, and after going to 7 stores, I wound up buying it for $26.00 at a Suncoast. $26 for a DVD with NO extra features. That's scary!


9. Jaws

HOUMP! People seem to forget that this was actually a pretty scary movie. Rent it again and then go to any kind of body of water the next day and see how willing you are to get in. I dare you. THAT'S the test.


8. The Ring

All I know is that when I watched this movie, I was alone in my room, which was right next to the door that led to the attic. That's scary enough for me.


7. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Not a horror movie you say? You look at that picture for 10 seconds and you tell me that that isn't crap-your-pants terrifying. Look at the one on the lower left that looks like he's waiting to molest you.


6. Alien

Another movie that's underrated on the Scary-Scale. I think it's because most people have probably seen this movie on cable, and nothing on cable is scary. Except Flavor of Love. The scariest thing is that Alien vs. Predator 2 is being made as we speak! RUN!!!


5. Hellraiser

This is probably another movie that is higher on the list just because I was really young when I saw it, so it seems that much scarier in the movie. But out of the movies so far, this is the most graphic. Some of the things in this movie are just plain disgustingly gory. And that's something coming from me.


4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The least scary part of this movie? When Leatherface does his little "happy dance" at the end. But by that time you've already soiled yourself at least 4 times, so you deserve a little laugh.


3. Poltergeist

The scariest part of this movie is the "false ending" where you think everything is over and done and you let your scary-guard down. And that's when the evil clown attacks! Plus, Craig T. Nelson is the man.


2. The Shining

"Heeeeeere's JOHNNY!!!"

If I have to say anything more than that to scare you, you haven't seen this movie.


1. The Exorcist

Now many of you probably would have expected me to pick a picture of the possessed little girl in her demonic-form at the end of the movie. But when The Exorcist was re-released when I was in high school and they put in that deleted scene with the little girl doing this deranged spider-walk down the stairs, screaming with blood pouring out of her mouth, I was scared to death. And the scariest part is that it came out of nowhere! The mom is just sitting there talking to the babysitter like "Hey, do you want some coffee?" and then all of the sudden looks up off camera and says "Oh my god!" and then BAM! Spider walk!

Seriously, looking at the above picture scares the crap out of me to this day. And it's just a picture!


Alright, that's enough from me. I'm officially scared of today. If you want me, I'll be hanging out with the guy in the bear suit.

CHUD Baby Update!!!

CHUD WATCH!!!

Walking from my car to work this morning, I noticed that the random condom on the side of the street is now gone.

The CHUD baby is coming...

Naysayers may argue that the street sweeper could have picked it up, but that condom was there for days. If the street sweeper could have cleaned it up, it would have been gone after 1 day. No, something else is going on...




The CHUD baby is coming...

Gross...

The street across from where I work is a one-way street that has metered parking on both sides. There's a few spots at the end of the street where there's free parking, and if I'm lucky, sometimes I can nab one of those spots in the morning and not have to pay to park. On those days, I have to walk the 300 yards or so to get to our building, and I see all the various candy wrappers and cigarette butts and what not that are on the side of the road.

Today I found a condom. Wait..."found" doesn't sound right, because I definitely wasn't looking for it. I guess I "discovered" it.

Either way, there is a used condom on the side of the road. Does this not sound right to you? I mean, it's not the same as finding a shoe in the street. This thing probably has semen in it. That makes it a whole different ball game.

The most disturbing thing is that I've never seen anyone having sex in the middle of this street. So the only other explanation is that someone used this condom at home, didn't throw it out when they were finished, brought it to work, and threw it out of their car when they parked. Maybe they were keeping it in their pocket and it fell out when they went fishing for quarters to feed the meter.

So why would anyone keep a used condom and throw it on the middle of the road?

That's right...they were trying to grow a CHUD Baby!

Chud Baby:

A baby formed from filthy and/or dilapidated used condoms that inseminates an ovum in the grimy gutter or trash receptical in a major metropolitan area. The ovum is usually the result of 1 day or more old hooker vaginal secretions.



Gross.

if you have nothing to do tonight and you're in an 80's mood, check out CHUD and the sequels. They're crap.