Title Defense

Unless you're a complete idiot or you can't see out of your right eye, I'm assuming you've read the first of many editions of "Claire's Corner". Now I promised Claire that I would post whatever she wrote, without any kind of censorship or editing. However, I did tell her that I would respond to this first one with an explanation o my side of things, and she agreed, so here it is.

Before I go any further, I have to tell some back-story. When I first moved out here, I knew that I had to take some kind of rooting interest in one of the local sports teams. With my undying love for the Cubs and Red Sox, I didn't have any room in my heart for the Dodgers. I already cheer for the Bears and Jets, so I couldn't become a fan of any of the 73 football teams California has (Plus there's no team IN Los Angeles). I don't actively watch basketball enough to love any team other than the Bulls, and the Blackhawks have made me believe that all hockey teams are a joke.

I decided that since all of my professional team slots were taken, I'd choose a local college to throw my support behind. Around here, the two biggest schools are UCLA and USC, so I had to pick one of them to be interested in. I was already leaning toward UCLA because the fans seem more relaxed and less like douchebags. Soon I started seeing Claire, a UCLA alum, which tipped the scales in their favor. Starting with football season and going all the way through basketball season, I've watched them and cheered them on.

With that said, before I get to the second part of my explanation, the following facts are true. I cannot argue any of them:

1. I claim to be a UCLA fan
2. UCLA is the team that my girlfriend would walk home bloodied from a car wreck with 2 broken arms to see and would ask "What's the score?" before explaining the injuries.
3. Knowing both of these facts I did pick Florida to beat them in my March Madness pool.

Now I can see that on the surface, this seems like a terrible crime. Not only did I pick the Florida Gators to beat the Bruins in the Final Four, but Florida is public enemy #1 in Bruinville since they shellacked UCLA in the title game one year ago.

But it's not as bad as it seems.

Just because I picked Florida to win the title doesn't mean that I don't want UCLA to win. Come Saturday, I'll be sitting on the couch cheering for UCLA to win. I want them to prove me wrong. Nothing would please me more than a Bruin victory.

So why did I pick the Gators to win? Easy. In an office pool, what is the goal? The goal is to pick as many winners as you can. In a wide-open field of 64 teams where a lot of schools were good but not great, Florida was the smartest pick to win it all. They won it all last year, and they have all 5 of their starters from that championship game back. They mowed through their conference tournament and looked like they were playing their best basketball of the season.

So I picked Florida. Plus, whoever wins the office pool gets $40, and if I win, I can buy more Krispy Kreme donuts for us. So really, this decision was not made by my heart, but by my stomach and my wallet.

Now it would be one thing if I had been rooting for the Gators (or USC, or Arizona) all season, but I haven't. This was merely a one-shot deal, just like picking Kansas over Southern Illinois didn't mean I was a Kansas fan or like picking Virginia Tech over Illinois didn't mean that I was any less of a Fighting Illini supporter.

Now had I been a die-hard UCLA fan, I probably would have picked them to go all the way, but I'm not yet. This is merely my first season as a Bruin-fan-in-training. I watch the games and cheer them on, I have a hoodie and a tshirt with their logo on it, I'm learning the players names and what they can do on the floor, but I wouldn't even begin to call myself a hardcore fan because that would be an insult to all the true Bruin fans out there, and would make me nothing more than a bandwagon fan.

I will continue to root for UCLA. I will genuinely hope that they win their game on Saturday. Just because I picked Florida to win doesn't mean I want them to win. having played fantasy baseball/football for the last 8 years or so, I've learned that the picks you make in competition can never overshadow what's happening to the teams you cheer on in real life. I hate Florida. I think Joakim Noah looks like a woman. I hope they lose by 100 points.

Even if my bracket may seem to say otherwise.

Joakim Noah: Future WNBA Star

Michael Jackson may erect 50-foot 'Jackobot' in Vegas desert!!!!

I almost wouldn't believe it were it not in an esteemed publication like the New York Daily News, but the hard-hitting investigative journalists of Page Six are reporting that the one and only King of Pop, Michael Jackson himself, may attempt to erect a 50-foot, robotic likeness of himself in the Las Vegas desert in full view of incoming planes. According to entertainment company consultant Mike Luckman, his business partner Andre Van Pier has already designed what will be refered to as the massive Jackobot, complete with -- I swear to god -- laser beams shooting up into the sky. The plan will only go into motion if Jackson decides to launch a show in Sin City, for which Van Pier has also contributed sketches of a "stage set of a giant audience-interactive video game with human cyborgs controlled by the audience," whatever the hell that means. Perhaps aware that a Jackobot fiasco could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and forces Jackson to finally sell him that tasty share of the Beatles catalog, Sir Paul McCartney is said to be interested in investing in the show.

Come on...does this really surprise you? I say let him do whatever he wants. I mean, the dude made Thriller...

Thriller...

Astronaut Stuck In Space

Can someone please tell me what we're even doing in space still? What else is there to discover? Apparently there's this astronaut aboard the ISS (International Space Station for those of you that aren't space savvy) that was supposed to come home in early July, completing a SEVEN MONTH STAY in space.

Mother nature had other plans.

Hailstorms have damaged a few of NASA's space shuttles and thrown the schedule of launches off for the entire year. So instead of coming home in early July, this astronaut is spending a few more weeks in space.

Man...it just doesn't seem like NASA can catch a break these days. Seeing how the last time NASA got bad press they killed Anna Nicole Smith, here's a list of people that they could knock off to hide this story that I wouldn't mind seeing go:

Rosie O'Donnell
Hinder
Zach Braff

Please?

Quick Note For All The Slow Folks Out There...

...so you don't look to the right of this and get all freaked out.

You may have noticed the little section to the right called "Claire's Corner" that's been up for some time now. Well folks, it's finally active. I promised Claire that she could have a little blurb on this page to talk about whatever she wanted to every week (or 2 weeks if she's busy).

Claire's first entry into the world of blogging is about the NCAA tournament. I'll address this more tomorrow, but just know that yes, everything she says is true. I did pick Florida to win, directly betting against her favorite team. However, I will explain tomorrow how this choice was not made with my heart, but my stomach and wallet.

Either way, Claire's Corner is now a mainstay of Funktopia. But don't think that this means any old person can get their own blurb on here.

NOTE: If anyone wants to leave a comment for Claire's Corner, or has any requests for potential topics to be tackled within, you're out of luck for now. You can't leave comments on side blurbs. Sorry.

Guess Who's Back...Back Again...

It's not that I forgot about this blog for the last...month or so. It's just that things have been VERY busy lately. From problems with my car to more fridge related catastrophes, it's been a busy month.

But now I'm back.

Mondays are trouble for me. Claire goes out to coffee with a friend usually, so I have to try to keep occupied. Normally a healthy dose of Prison Break, Heroes and the like kill a few hours, but I've fallen on hard times lately. Heroes won't be back on until the end of April. So I have Prison Break, and not a whole lot else.

After work, I decided to wander over to Crossroads, the resale shop a few blocks from our apartment. Living in a nice neighborhood, there's always a good chance that you'll find something cool there for a really low price. Some people object to wearing something that used to belong to someone else, but I don't mind too much. The worst thing you could catch off of wearing someone else's clothes is body lice...but since body lice can be seen with the naked eye, I figure I'm covered, right?

NOTE: ALWAYS wash what you buy from a resale shop before you wear it. You don't know the hygienic habits of the person that used to own those clothes, and chances are the place you're buying from does not take the time to wash them. When I was trying on a pair of jeans today, I found $2 in the back pocket.

GOOD: I just found 10% of what my purchase would ultimately come out to
BAD: Proof that I was wearing dirty jeans.

I left Crossroads at about 4:15. Prison Break wasn't going to be on till 8. Crap! That's...that's...uhhh...a bunch of hours! I had to kill more time.

I drove home and finished up watching an episode of Rome that I was in the middle of from the weekend. I just started watching this show over the last week or so after getting my hands on season one. I must say that it is a fantastic show. It's completely historically inaccurate, but a fantastic show nonetheless.


"I'll bet those bastards don't even watch our show. Let's scowl at them!"

By the time I finished up my episode and watched another one on top of that, it was time for the main event.

Mondays are also my "Rich Tries To Kill Himself Slowly" nights. On a whole, I'm trying to eat a lot healthier nowadays, so I can actually see my 30's. But I give myself the night off on Mondays and get to have whatever I want.

But what to eat?

There are so many places around here that all scream for my attention. I can take a 5 minute drive to the IHOP...or I could go a little farther to McDonalds. Hardees, Jack In The Box, In-And-Out, all within walking distance.

But no...this was no ordinary Monday night. Tonight's dinner had been planned for a few days now. I decided the moment I saw the commercial for KFC's new Colonel's Big Box Meal. So much chicken...this wasn't going to be easy.

THE CHAMP


THE CHALLENGER

I made it home in time for Prison Break...time to get rollin'.

ROUND 1: The Drumstick
I decided to start off with the hardest part. Everything else in the box was soft and could be shoved into the mouth and chewed as-is. The drumstick, however, had a bone in the center to deal with. I dive right in. The drumstick takes all of 2 minutes to finish. HIGHLIGHT: Since I got an extra crispy drumstick, there was an extra chunk at the bottom that was nothing but fried breading. You can see it if you look close in the picture. When I ate it, I could actually feel my blood slowing down on its way through my veins. Moving on...

ROUND 2: The Popcorn Chicken
I decided to put some strategy into this contest. The box came with more popcorn chicken than anything else, so I decided to move to them next. However, these damn things are waaaay too salty, so I can only eat a few at a time. I get about 1/3 of the way through the little buggers and I have to move on to something else.

ROUND 3: The Biscuit
Time to flex my biscuit muscles. I couldn't take any more chicken, so I had the choice between the mashed potatoes, the cole slaw, and the biscuit. I was saving the potatoes and slaw for the end since they would be the easiest to get down, so it was biscuit time. I tore the thing into little pieces to mak it more manageable. I thought of putting butter on it, but decided against it. Smart move on my part. After all, there's a world of difference between 1700 calories and 1740 calories.

This is where I start to slow down a bit. Now I know what a lot of you at home are probably (not) thinking: "Rich, you used to be able to out-eat anyone. Where's your sac at?" Well, I forgot to mention...

THE WILD CARD

On the way out to KFC, I broke down and ate a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Not the smartest move, but have you ever been able to walk past a Krispy Kreme and not eat one? Didn't think so!

ROUND 4: The Crispy Strip
I completely change my strategy from "Enjoying my food" to "Gorge" and start trying to eat as quickly as possible so I can finish before the contents of my stomach can expand, and before my arteries shut down and I can no longer chew. I blow through the Crispy Strip while simultaneously cursing Colonel Sanders and his beady little eyes and paying attention to Prison Break. I have a feeling that this is going to catch up with me later. After all, you can't spell Colonel without "colon".

Round 5: The Soft Stuff
As I round down my meal, I'm pleased that my strategy worked. The mashed potatoes and cole slaw go down easily. Even though I have to push to get the last of the potatoes down, I truly am the champion again! I'm glad the meal ended when it did because I don't think I could have taken any more chicken-y goodness in one sitting.

As I sit back and survey the damage in front of me...I see it.

It can't be...

Theres no way...

It is.

I forgot that I never finished off the rest of the popcorn chicken, which just happened to be the saltiest item on the entire menu.

I take one and place it into my mouth. Just the flavor of it, the same flavor that gave me such pleasure an hour before, makes me want to tap out and spend the next 25 minutes on the crapper. I just start putting them in my mouth and forcing myself to chew and swallow. I want to give up. There's no way I can finish...


"Do it..."

I can't...it's too much! I don't wan to barf!


"Do it, ya bum!"

I can't! Ya gotta cut me, Mick!


"Finish, for you are the one true king!"

Huh?

Ok, enough with the motivational crap. I finished. It took me 42 minutes, but I finished. God, kill me...

THE CHAMP


THE CHUMP