"That's bush league! Audrey!"

"I oughta slap you!"

Yesterday was not Alex Rodriguez's day.

Yesterday morning, the Yankees third baseman was slapped all over New York newspapers as stories of him gallivanting around the city with a "mystery blonde" started showing up. Apparently A-Rod capped off the night with this woman by taking her to a strip club.

(By the way, Alex Rodriguez is married.)



However, in typical A-Rod fashion, this wasn't the most controversial part of his day. Not even close.

In case you missed it, here's a short recap of what happened:

The stumbling Yankees were ahead 7-5 with two outs in the ninth at Toronto on Wednesday night, and Rodriguez was on first base when Jorge Posada popped up. A-Rod ran hard and shouted near third baseman Howie Clark, who was playing his first major league game of the season.

"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said.

"I heard a 'Mine' call, and so I let it go," said Clark, who thought he was being called off by his shortstop. Clark backed off and let the ball drop as Rodriguez got to third.

Toronto went on to lose 10-5.

So the debate rages on: was what A-Rod did dirty? Was it bush league? It depends on who you ask.

On one side of the debate, you have the A-Rod supporters. They say that what A-Rod did was not against any rules. They say that if what he did really was interference of any kind, the umpire would have called him out. They say it's just a baseball player doing anything he can to win.

On the other side, there's the people that say that what A-Rod did was cheap and that it was bush league for him to try something like that.

So where do I stand?

Well...it depends on what he said.

Rodriguez says that he just yelled "Hey" at Howie Clark as he was running past. Clark says that he heard A-Rod yell "Mine". You can decide for yourself. Check it.



Now there may not seem to be a lot of difference between A-Rod saying "Ha" and "Mine" but there is. It's actually a big difference. If he just yelled "ha" then I don't really care. Sure, it's a little dirty, but A-Rod was just trying to make a noise to distract Clark. Whether I agree with it or not, Clark needed to make the catch.

But if Rodriguez actually did call "mine" then it's a whole different dirty story.

Let's think about this...starting back in little league, kids are taught that when someone calls for a pop fly, everyone else is supposed to clear out and let that person catch the ball. They're also taught that the shortstop has authority over the third baseman on infield popups. There's 2 reasons for the "call off" rule:

1. So 2 players don't collide and drop the ball
2. So 2 players don't collide and injure themselves.

This is where the specifics of what Rodriguez said come into play. If he did indeed call "mine" as Clark claims he did, then I would say it does count as interference. Clark was going for the pop fly and Rodriguez shouted at him from behind. This is a completely a classless move simply because Alex Rodriguez called Clark off the ball from behind, when Clark had no way of knowing whether it was A-Rod calling him off or a member of his own team. Of course he moved out from under the ball. For all Clark knew, it was a teammate calling him off.

After the game, A-Rod defended himself by saying that that kind of thing happens all the time and that it happens to him "2-3 times a week" and I don't buy that for a second. If all players in MLB try this tactic, we would have known about it. If it was so commonplace, how come the Toronto manager, as well as their players and commentators, said they have never seen anyone try that before? Hell, even Johnny Damon, A-Rod's TEAMMATE, said that he didn't think it was legal. The fact that none of Rodriguez's teammates came to his defense speaks for itself as well.

Sure, Ozzie Guillen and Barry Bonds have come out to defend A-Rod, but as Claire told me earlier tonight, "Bonds and Guillen...there's the moral compass of Major League Baseball!"

People may defend Rodriguez by saying that what he did was no different than the old fake-throw move or the hidden-baseball-in-the-glove-at-first trick, but it's absolutely nothing like that. Clark was called off by a member of the opposing team that was impersonating one of his teammates without having any way of verifying who it was calling him off.

Need further proof that what Rodriguez did was wrong? A college player got called out on interference for the same thing recently. So why was the college player called out and Rodriguez wasn't? Because it's up the the umpire to decide whether they think it's interference or not. Maybe the ump last night missed it. But the mere fact that it could be illegal in some umpires' eyes makes it a bush league move.

Do I really blame A-Rod for what he did? Not really. Hey, he did it and got away with it, so why not? But he should be prepared to be called out for the dirty play.

Whether he said "ha" or "mine" will never be known. The next time the Yankees and Blue Jays play, A-Rod will get drilled, and he should take it like a man and go to first base. And that will be the end of it.

Maybe he and Clark can go out to a strip club later and make up.

Blech!

Rich is sick. I know it's been almost a week since the last update, but I've been under the weather since Monday, so you may have to wait a little longer for the next post.

Sorry.

ARRRRRGGGH!!! PIRATES!!!

Yes, I am aware that the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie comes out today, and that many people saw it last night. I think people living on the planet formerly known as Pluto would know about it. I can't turn around without seeing Johnny Depp or that other really hot chick that's his sidekick...I think her name is Orlando something...

I found this one-line review for the new Pirates movie. It has to be one of the funniest movie reviews ever:

"The story is so convoluted and impenetrable, so impossible to grasp hold of, that viewers sit there wondering if they've had a stroke."

Here's my question: where were all the pirate fans in the 1990's? Where were all the pirate fans in the early 2000's? Hell, where were the pirate fans PRIOR to the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie? There weren't any. At least, not any that I know of. Pirates got no love. Ninjas were in and were all the rage. The rise of websites like RealUltimatePower.net show just how far people were willing to take their love of all things ninja.

And then Curse of the Black Pearl came out. And then EVERYONE loved pirates. It's disgusting.

The Official Rich Funk List of Biggest Bandwagons of My Lifetime:

1. Pirates
2. Michael Jackson (Remember when Alien Ant Farm put out that cover of Smooth Criminal and then all the sudden it was ok to be a Michael Jackson fan again for like 3 weeks and then EVERYONE was a Michael Jackson fan again?)
3. Rooting for the Patriots
4. Matt Riley (If you don't know what this one is, just move to the next one)
5. Being "patriotic"

Let me explain that last one before I get a swarm of angry e-mails. Being patriotic is fine. Hell, loving the USA is one of the best things that you can do. But there were so many people that suddenly became patriotic after 9/11 not because it was something to believe in and stand behind, but because it was trendy. I bet if you stop and think right now, everyone of you can think of at least one person you know that whipped out 50 flags for their dorm room on September 12th and had removed them all before Thanksgiving break hit.

But getting back to pirates...I can see the appeal they have. Living by your own rules, being rude to everyone, not bathing, etc. Hmmm...sounds like someone I know. No, not the French (well yes, them too)...



Paris Hilton = fabled pirate Stinky Crotch McGee

Need more convincing?



I think I'm on to something...

(Ok, this is what happens when I feel like I have to write something because it's Friday, but I don't have any set topic to talk about. I'm all over the place. I'm never allowed to do this again.)

Here's the last thing I'll mention about pirates: people should just make up their damn minds. Take the movie industry for instance...they spent...what...10 years telling us that "pirating" movies without paying for them was bad and should never be done. And now they see how profitable pirates are, and suddenly pirates and pirate activities are a good thing? WTF?

The only solution I can think of is to boycott At World's End in the theatres and find some shady guy down an alley to buy a pirated copy from.

Moving on...

Tonight Claire and I are going to the Cubs/Dodgers game. I'll finally get to see Ted Lilly pitch in person and decide if he's for real or not. I'm hoping he is. Hey, if Jason Marquis can have an ERA under 5 this late in the year, anything is possible. He's going to be opposed by Derek Lowe, one of my favorite Red Sox from years past. I can already tell that my Derek Lowe bobblehead is mad at me, but I've gotta cheer against the ex-Red Sox player if it benefits the current Cubs. The Brewers seem like they've cooled off a bit lately and the Cubs need to make a move to jump back into the Central race.

And by "make a move" I mean "not get swept by the Dodgers".

Which they probably will.



And just for fun, I was going to leave you all with another comic, but I couldn't choose between 3 of them, so you get them all! Have a good long weekend!





Oh, BTW...I'm going to tally up the votes for my new Mortal Enemy on Tuesday, so if you haven't voted yet, do so! The poll is on the right!

Here We Go Again...

Scott Stapp's Domestic Violence Rap

Scott Stapp has apparently fallen off the wagon and back on to the police blotter.

The former Creed frontman was arrested Sunday at his home in Boca Raton, Florida, and charged with felony assault stemming from a domestic violence row, according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office.

According to a sheriff spokesman, Stapp returned to his residence about 8 a.m. after a long night of partying and was confronted by his wife, former Miss New York USA 2004 Jaclyn Nesheiwat, who began quizzing him on where he'd been. At that point, the Human Clay singer became defensive and the couple started arguing.

"He got angrier and allegedly threw a glass bottle of Orangina, almost hitting her in the right side of her face," sheriff spokesman Paul Miller tells E! Online. "She was in fear at that point that he might do something else, so that's when Palm Beach County deputies were called to the scene."

No one was injured in the incident. Miller said deputies corroborated Nesheiwat's account and that the 33-year-old rock star was "deceptive" when they questioned him about throwing the bottle.

Stapp was taken into custody and charged with one count of assault with intent to commit a felony. He was held overnight without bond at the Palm Beach County Jail before appearing in court this morning.

There, Judge Cory J. Ciklin reduced the charge to misdemeanor assault after determining the Orangina bottle was not a deadly weapon.

"The facts against him are weak. The judge saw that," the rocker's attorney, Robert Gershman, told the Associated Press.

Ciklin agreed to let Stapp free on "supervised release," meaning the musician must keep in contact with authorities, not consume any alcohol or illegal drugs and must submit to random drug testing.

Stapp is also temporarily barred from contacting Nesheiwat, though the judge did grant him access to a separate building at their expansive Florida estate so he can work on his music.

Speaking to the Palm Beach Post, the 25-year-old beauty queen said she and Stapp had been going through "a rough time."

Meanwhile, Stapp's label, Wind-up Records, released a statement asking the media to back off. "This is a private matter between the members of the Stapp family, and we would hope that their privacy is respected. Scott and Jaclyn are both well, and any further relevant information will be forthcoming at the appropriate time."

Stapp and Nesheiwat swapped vows in February 2006. In January 2007, they welcomed their first child, daughter Milán Hayat Stapp.

Stapp's battles with the bottle have landed him in hot water before.

Only hours after his nuptials, the Grammy winner was busted for public intoxication in Los Angeles as the couple were en route to their Hawaiian honeymoon.

When airline personnel deemed him "antagonistic" and "boisterous," Stapp requested a blood-alcohol test, which then registered 0.18—twice the legal limit. He was booked and released on $250 bail, but a month later L.A. prosecutors declined to press the case.

Three months earlier, Stapp got into a barroom brawl with members of the band 311 in a Baltimore hotel. While no charges were filed, Stapp told Rolling Stone the dustup prompted him to enter rehab.

Stapp also made headlines in a series of legal battles over a video showing his and Kid Rock's sexcapades during a 1999 tour. Stapp and Kid eventually got World Wide Red Light District to halt distribution of the X-rated romp, and a lawsuit filed against Stapp by one of the groupies on the tape was ultimately dismissed.

I know that I promised a review of the concert we went to Saturday, but 15 bands is a lot to write about. I'll try to get to it later.

And if you want to hear more about how much of a douche Scott Stapp is, read this.

Not...Enough...Time

I told myself that the next major post I make here would be a recap of the 15 bands Claire and I saw at the KROQ Weenie Roast on Saturday. Said review would be WAAAAY too long to type right now, so you all will have to wait until tonight.

But just so I don't leave you empty handed, here's something funny:

VOTE FOR MY NEW MORTAL ENEMY!!!

I didn't realize it till today, but now that I'm out of college, I no longer have a mortal enemy.

I guess I never really thought about it, but now that I have, I feel empty. I need something to hate, to rally against...something to despise!

That's where you come in.

Below, I have listed the 5 candidates to be my mortal enemy. To your right, you'll see a poll where you can vote for who my new mortal enemy will be.

The Challengers:

Jared Leto


THE CASE: I used to like Jared Leto. I thought he was ok in Fight Club. He played a pretty impressive cokehead in Lord of War. But now that his band has taken off and he's acting loke a punk bitch, I can't stand him. Lose the womens jeans. Lose the guy-liner. Just looking at this guy makes me want to take a dump on him.

I still like his performance in Fight Club though...because he gets his ass handed to him by Ed Norton. THAT'S a real man!

Chad Kroger


THE CASE: You all should know how I feel about this putz. The only new piece I'll add to the puzzle right now is that he looks like the guard from the Minnesota Lynx WNBA team:



Fo' rizzle.

Roger Clemens


THE CASE: He fucked over Boston by becoming a selfish lazy bitch, and then when he went to the Blue Jays, he suddenly became motivated and started working out/taking steroids. WTF? You didn't have the motivation to stay in shape in Boston, but you find inspiration in CANADA? Clemens is one of the most selfish athletes of all time. I would punch him in the face...if he didn't weigh almost 100 lbs more than me.

People From Delaware


THE CASE: I don't know why...I just freakin' hate them. Next.

Darth Vader


THE CASE: Come on...how could I have a list of potential Mortal Enemies and not include Darth Vader? He's the Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Roger Federer and Albert Pujols of evil...combined! And I'm not talking about the punk-ass Mannequin Skywalker/Vader from Episode III. I'm talking about the I'll-cut-my-own-son's-hand-off-and-force-squash-your-testicles-with-a-single
-thought Vader.


VOTE! NOW!

CONCERT TIME!!!!!

Hello all!

I just wanted to let all the faithful readers out there know that there most likely won't be any new posts over the weekend. Claire and I are heading up to Irvine tomorrow for the KROQ Weenie Roast Y Fiesta! It's got a decently stacked lineup:



I feel bad for the Pain White T's. On the poster, they look like they were left off, and then someone noticed right before the posters were printed and had to throw them onto the bottom in 2 minutes to make sure they were included.

And on Sunday, we're going to the House of Blues in Anaheim to see one of Claire's old coworkers open up for .38 Special. It'll be a redneck-rockin' good time!

DirecTV = Idiots

You know, there seems to be an ever-increasing list of things that just piss me off.

The latest thing that I can't stand are these DirecTV HD commercials. You know, the ones where they show a clip from a movie and then splice in a shot of one of the characters turning to the audience and hawking this new service in the commercial equivalent of an HJ (That's Hand Job for the slow folks out there, not to be mistaken with BJ or VJ. If you don't know what a VJ is, I don't want to be the one to tell you...).

At first, it started with Jessica Simpson and a clip from The Dukes Of Hazzard. I was fine with that. It's not like they were ruining a classic American movie here. It was like throwing a piece of shit into a bucket that was already full of shit...no one seemed to mind. Hell, most people probably don't know that the original movie didn't have that ad in it since only 7 people saw the damn thing anyway.

But now DirecTV has gone too far. They have soiled Major League, one of my all-time favorite movies. Charlie Sheen...how could you sink so low? Is nothing sacred anymore? How can I raise children in a world where the sanctity of Major League is no longer safe???

You know what, DirecTV? If you're really going to be that tasteless, I've got a few classic movie scenes for you to take a frozen dump on, since you seem so motivated to destroy everything movies are about:


1. Schindler's List

(Nazi soldier turns to camera)
"Man, genocide is really hard work. I used to feel bad for the races of people I am trying to obliterate, but then I thought that if they had just subscribed to DirecTV HD, they would have seen the German invasion coming in spectacular 1080i. I don't know what that is, but it makes me want to goos step all the way to the living room!"


2. Good Will Hunting

"Yeah, I know I'm good at math, but it bores the shit out of me. That's why I wish I could afford DirecTV HD. I could spend all of my time watching the Red Sox in crystal clear 1080i instead of wasting my time jerking off with Ben Affleck and doing math with my hairy therapist. Maybe I could even get a better looking girlfriend than Minnie Driver. Her face looks like the ass end of a dolphin. You do NOT want to look at her in HD. Trust me."


3. Swordfish

"Hey! Oh my god! This is John Travolta and I'm really excited that you're watching my movie! Oh my god! I'm advertising DirecTV HD right now in the middle of my movie because there's no possible way it could be any worse than it already is, so what the hell? I have to go home now, because in this 1080i resolution, you can totally see that I'm wearing a wig! Oh my god! My thetin levels feel low..."


Or something like that.

The only thing that the Major League commercial has going for it is that Charlie Sheen looks exactly the same as he did in 1989. So if DirecTV wants to continue this crap, they need to strike deals with the following people, who also look exactly the same as they did in 1989:

Michael J. Fox
Matthew Broderick
Heather Locklear
Samuel L. Jackson

Or, if DirecTV really wanted to impress me, they could make one of those commercials star someone that's dead. That would be impressive...


"This is Wilford Brimley. When the afterlife bores me, I watch DirecTV! It staves off the...diabeeetus..."

EDIT: I've just been informed that Mr. Brimley is still alive. Crap.

"I Kenna' Fly No Mooore, Captain!"

It's no surprise to Trekkies that James "Scotty" Doohan's final wish be that his ashes be launched into space. Apparently Space Services Inc., the company tasked with the "memorial spaceflight" gave her everything they got, cap'n, but the rocket carrying Scotty's ashes just couldna teek namoore, and crash landed in treacherous New Mexico terrain. Apparently the search for Doohan's ashes (as well as the 200 some-odd other peoples' spacebound remains) continues, as SSI insists the 20-foot rocket will be recovered, and its passengers will be delivered to the final frontier. In a manner of speaking, that is.

Jeez...one would think that such a prestigious company as Space Services Inc. would be able to put a rocket filled with dead people's ashes into space! What is the world coming to where Space Services can't even provide SPACE services. It's only, you know...what they do!

Los Angeles Baseball- The Weather's Always Fair!

I hate Los Angeles baseball fans.

I hate Los Angeles baseball fans from Los Angeles. I hate Los Angeles baseball fans from Anaheim.

Claire and I were at the Dodger game over the weekend. For years, I had heard the rumors about Dodger fans. You know...they show up in the 3rd inning and leave by the 7th so they can beat traffic. I thought it was just a myth, like Santa Claus and global warming.

I was wrong.

The stadium was practically empty when the game started (on Mother's Day!) and people were still streaming in during the second and third innings. But you know what? LA has traffic, and lots of it. I was willing to give the Dodger fans the benefit of the doubt.

Coming into the 8th inning, the game was tied 5-5. It was a pretty boring game, but with the game tied it finally seemed like there was some suspense. And what did 70% of the fans do? They left! The Dodgers were coming up to bat in the bottom of the 8th in a tie game on a beautiful Sunday against a very suspect Cincinati bullpen, and most of the fans left the game!

Of course the Dodgers busted it open with 5 runs in the bottom of the 8th, but most everyone was gone by then. AND since the Dodgers scored 10 runs and won, each ticket stub was worth 10 free wings at Hooters. At first I thought this was a pretty stupid promotion for Hooters to have, seeing how 41,000 people could potentially claim their 10 wings. But then I realized that there were only about 50 fans on hand to actually see the Dodgers win, so most people probably didn't even realize that they could get free food.

And it's not just Dodger fans...Angel fans are the same way. They go to the game just to say that they went, they never cheer unless the giant electronic scoreboard tells them to "Make...Some...NOISE!!!" and they don't even care about the game.

And by the way...the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? Are you serious? First of all, Anaheim is in Orange County, not Los Angeles county. Second of all, Anaheim is an HOUR south of LA. What's next? The New York Red Sox of New York? The Las Vegas Pirates of Pittsburgh? The New York Giants of New Jersey? Ok...that last one is a bad example.

It just seems like this entire state is filled with fair-weather fans. Anyone who watched Sunday night's Golden State game could have seen it. All the hard-core fans were replaced with fair-weather fans because tickets were suddenly the hot item, and the crowd was a complete non-factor!

Ugh...

I'm going to cut this short because there's 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. Go Cubs and Bulls.

In Honor Of Spiderman 3

E-Cigarettes?

China's Golden Dragon has probably found the real road to riches with its toy. The brilliant Ruyan e-cigarette purportedly "feels like a cigarette and looks like a cigarette, but it isn't bad for your health." The battery-powered device is used exactly like a typical, harmful cigarette, but rather than delivering tar and toxins to the lungs along with nicotine, the poisons are stripped away and doses of nicotine are still provided. Interestingly, the company claims that its product is simply the best way to kick the habit, but if these things actually do what they claim, it honestly seems like a marvelous ploy to get folks to shift their funding from tobacco-based cigarettes to the Ruyan. The gizmos are already available in China, Israel, Turkey, and a number of European countries for around $208 apiece, and while profits have "more than doubled" in just a year's time already, bringing this thing to the US would certainly provide a few early retirements.

I don't smoke, so I could be wrong, but isn't the nicotine just one of 8000 things in cigarettes that's bad for you? So it's still bad for your health...just not as bad as a normal cigarette. And where does this nicotine come from? Do you buy it and load it into the cigarette? That's just going to lead to people eventually bypassing the e-cig and chowing down on some mad tasty nicotine cartridges!

This seems like it would take away the fun of smoking a cigarette. I mean, how are you going to flick the butt into someone's face a la The Usual Suspects if the thing is worth $200? Daniel Baldwin would NOT approve.


"I do not approve, bitches!"

RANDOM THOUGHT: Remember that band Smashmouth? It seems like all they're up to these days is sitting around hoping for

1. Another Shrek movie so they can be on the soundtrack
2. Another Pizza Hut commercial

Seriously, those are the only 2 things these guys do anymore. I don't even think they still write albums. They just sit in a recording studio on the off chance that it's time for another Shrek or a Pizza Hut commercial.

Yesterday was their lucky day. Not only did I see a commercial for the new Shrek movie AND a Pizza Hut commercial with one of their songs, but I saw them BACK-TO-BACK! Those guys must me (temporarily) rolling in he dough. If any member of Smashmouth owes you money, now would be a good time to give them a call.



And for no other reason than the fact that I'm bored (and how much I know you all love lists!), here's the Top 5 things from my childhood that I randomly remember loving, only to be forgotten years later (until today):

1. Howard The Duck

Remember this movie? I swear I watched it about 20 times when I was younger, but I have no freakin' clue what it's about nowadays. Maybe I should rent it and refresh. I do vaguely remember something about a topless lady-duck that had boobs. I guess there's some things you never forget...

2. Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em

This is one of the first 2 cassettes I ever owned. I listened to this album more than anything else in my life. I still know most of the words to "Crime Story" (You get no glory!). The best part about that song is when he's doing the talking bit at the end where he's like "Two my brothers in a gang. They go around doin' what they feel they have to do. Let's let the young kids...10...11...12 years old...let's let them do their thing at schoolhouse!" And no, I didn't have to look up any of that to remember it. Legit!

3. Skip-It!

And the very best thing of all...
There's a counter on this ball!
Try to get the very best score,
See if you can jump a whole lot more!

I guarantee that if you start singing that son right now, wherever you are, if there's at least 3 people around, one of them will start singing along. The only beef I have with the Skip-It is that the counter never worked. You could go for like 1000 reps and look down and see the counter at "0007". It was nice living in a simpler time where a piece of heavy plastic attached to your leg was a great toy.

4. Adventure Island

I don't care if it was harder than fuck to play this game...Adventure Island was the shit!

5. Dinosaurs

If you can find a catch phrase that was both dumber AND more popular than "Not the mama!" then I will give you a dollar. I don't think it's possible.

Looking back, that baby looks a lot like another misbehaved child...hmmm...

"Nickelback Sucks" is all it took.

Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger reportedly punched a man in the face early Friday morning outside of a nightclub in Vancouver, Canada. A person who claims to have witnessed the incident said the victim harassed Kroeger by shouting "Nickelback sucks" before being struck by the singer. Police admit that an altercation did occur at the club, but haven't revealed any further details. Kroeger, who is due to stand trial on an impaired-driving charge in November, hasn't commented on the alleged fight.

The only way this story could have ended better would be if Chad had punched the guy, and then the guy beat the crap out of him.

At least he punched another Canadian...

Humanity Hits A New Low

I'm not one to be surprised by mankind much anymore. The amount of greed and selfishness I see on an everyday basis is now commonplace. I just tend to ignore it. It would truly take a miraculous act of total self-absorption to get my attention these days.

Consider the seas parted. The part of Moses shall be played by My Super Sweet Sixteen.

For those of you who aren't familiar with My Suer Sweet Sixteen, MTV has cameras follow around super-rich spoiled girls as they plan their 16th birthdays. Usually they make outrageous demands and wind up bitching about everything. Usually their dads are record producers and semi-famous people in the entertainment business. It's a fairly entertaining show, but it ceased to shock me years ago.

That was before Wednesday night.

The episode that was on was with Easy E's daughter. I don't know how much money Easy E made in his life or how much his family still gets from royalties, but it would be fair to say that his daughter has more money than I've ever seen in my life.

Now I've seen disrespectful children before, but this girl took things o a whole new level. She decided that she wanted to throw her party at a $15 million mansion that was going to cost $25K to rent out just for the night. She also paid a professional photographer to take pictures of her so she could have giant posters of herself hanging up all over the party.

It would be useless for me to try to describe how putrid of a person this girl was, so I'll just tell you all about one part in the show. This girl wanted to look "fly" for her birthday, so she hired a celebrity fashion expert to help her pick out 2 outfits for the evening. After all, it would be absurd to think that one would wear the outfit they showed up in for the entire evening. No, you definitely need something to change into after the first 40 minutes or so.

Anywho, this fashion expert brings over a bunch of dresses that all cost more than a month's rent, and nothing was good enough for this girl. She tried a few things on, but hated everything, saying things like "I would never wear this tablecloth out to my own party!" and "Easy E's daughter wouldn't be caught dead wearing this trash!" She sent the stylist away and told him to come back the next day. When he came back with more stuff, she finally found something she considered to be good enough to wear (and it was the ugliest thing in the world). Then the hair stylist came, and she was berating him and telling him that he sucked as he was doing her hair! So naturally he and the other stylist left. She then proceeded to throw a fit and told her mom that she wasn't going to go to her own party because her hair wasn't done!

I could go on and on, but there's no point. I just know now that no matter what I think, no matter how bad I think people can be, there's always someone out there that's greedier than I ever thought possible.

And I'm proud ant truly blessed to live in a country where these people are available to me on television.

Dirk Nowitzki = NVP

I know I've had a lot of sports-talk lately, but I feel I must address this issue.

DIRK "DIGGLER" NOWITZKI IS NOT THE 2007 NBA MVP!!!

Dirk is a very good player, but there's no way that he's the most valuable player in the NBA. If you need proof, look no further than last night's game against Golden State. Sure, Dirk made 2 huge 3's and a crucial block in the last few minutes, but that's exactly why he's not the MVP...it happened in the last few minutes.

Prior to the 3's and free throws that Dirk hit, he was a ghost. Sure, Dirk came on strong at the end of the game, but where was he for the other 46 minutes? Where was he when Golden State made their furious comeback at the end of the first half?

That's the biggest case against Nowitzki; there were large parts of yesterday's game where I didn't know where Dirk was or if he was even on the floor. I kept confusing him with Austin Croshere...I wouldn't notice him until he took a shot. A true MVP demands attention. Back in Jordan's heyday when I would watch Bulls playoff games, I knew where Jordan was at all times, and you can bet your ass that the other team and their fans knew where he was too. You have to know because they can change the game at any second. Hell, even Tim "Mr. Boring" Duncan commands that attention! But with Dirk...he kind of fades in and out of games. I was completely shocked at the end of the game where they showed that he had put up 30 points. I was thinking, "When did he get all those?" I seriously couldn't remember him taking more than 4-5 shots.

Just off the top of my head, here's some of the players I would say rate ahead of Dirk on the "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" scale- Kobe, Wade, Baron, Nash, Duncan, Arenas, Iverson, Shaq (yes, even still...you never know when he'll pop off one of those "vintage Shaq" games he seems to come up with 2-3 times a season), LeBron and Garnett. I'm sure there's a lot more out there, but those are the ones that immediately come to mind. Those are the guys that, when I'm watching from home, I know where they are at all times because they're that dangerous.

Nowitzki is nowhere on that list.

So if Dirk isn't the MVP, who is?

In my opinion, I wouldn't be able to decide between these three: Nash, Kobe, Arenas.

Steve Nash: The guy is the 2-time MVP and just put the wraps on a season that was even better than his other 2 MVP years. But he'll probably get stiffed because the voters won't want to give him 3 in a row, and because Dallas was a few games better in the regular season.

Kobe Bryant/Gilbert Arenas: These two fall into the category of "Most Valuable" in the exact meaning of the word. How valuable was Arenas to the Wizards? Did you see how fast they folded after he went down? THAT is valuable. The same thing would have happened to the Lakers if Kobe would have gone down.

(I would have added in Dwayne Wade to that list, but his team actually went on a pretty good run after he got hurt, so it kind of negates the argument. But Wade putting his career at risk just to make it back for the playoffs is MVP-worthy.)


Sigh...


Oh well...the Warriors have a chance to close out Dallas in Oakland tomorrow night. I'm a little worried. I fully expected Golden State to lose to Dallas yesterday, but being up by 10 late and then choking it away is a confidence killer. I hope that it doesn't linger into Game 6. Hell, I think the Warriors would be in better shape if they would have been blown out by Dallas...at least then they would have had some motivation to make up for the embarrassment.

I still think the Warriors will squeak out a close one at home. They get the advantage because of the crowd.

Either way, last night's game was everything you could ask for out of a playoff game. I give it a 3.5 out of 4 on the Baron Davis Beard-O-Meter.

An Open Letter From Baron Davis' Beard

Dear Warriors Fans, Dallas Fans, NBA Fans, Mark “Cuban,” Dirk Diggler and the rest of the world,

Whaaaaas crackulatin’?

See, I thought I’d write y’all a letter to remind all-a-y’all of one very important thing that everyone seems to be forgettin’ about in their playoff predictions …

You ain’t never seen a beard like me.

I ain’t just any old beard. I’m a full beard. Legit like Hammer. Thick like Biggie. Dark like Dikembe the winter solstice.

You tell me who’s got a better version! Big Papi? Nah, too angular. Scott Spiezio? Too red. David the Gnome? Too bushy.

You wanna know why I’m gonna win this Dallas series, dontcha? Well, sheeeeeeet, peep the “beards” that are gonna be “guarding” me:

Now, take a look at those attempts at facial hair. They can’t compete with me. Devin Harris’ jaw is as smooth as my boy Stephen Jackson’s glock and I swear Al “Ninja Turtle” Harrington has got more hairs on his bald dome than Jason Terry has hairs in that crap attempt at a mustache. For real.

And what about my boy in the GSW backcourt? Well, we all know I’m the top dog on this team, but the beard over at J-Rich’s face is looking awwwfully tight.

Like J-Rich himself, J-Rich’s Beard is a lil’ more refined and powerful than yours truly, who’s rougher than DMX’s voice. Ya heard?

Yeah, we gonna win. Look at that backcourt matchup.]

Done and done.

Sincerely,

Baron Davis’ Beard

The Phenominon That Is...The Playoff Beard

WHERE THE HELL IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM??!?!?



The music you currently (hopefully?) hear right now is coming from my new music player. If you want to turn off the music, scroll to the bottom of the page and turn it off. I thought it would be a nice change to have some music on the ol' blog. I just threw a bunch of songs together for now. I'm sure I'll put more thought into it later. I do recommend the new White Stripes song. Aside from the parts with the electric piano, the song really does kick ass.

But this does not prevent the new White Stripes album Icky Thump from having the UGLIEST album cover ever!



This weekend was HUGE for sports. The Cubs took 2 from the Cardinals, the Red Sox took 2 of 3 from the Yankees, and the Bulls SWEPT the defending World Champs in the first round of the Eastern Conference Finals.

I hope you all have been watching the Golden State/Dallas series, even if you aren't a basketball fan. The crowd in Oakland was absolutely batshit crazy, and you could tell that the Warriors were feeding off of it. The crowd is the #1 reason the Warriors are up 3-1 going into tomorrow night's game in Dallas. Claire is a fan of Golden State so I'm rooting for them, but even more than that, I want them to win so I can see Baron Davis grow his playoff beard for another round of basketball!

Nothing (NOTHING) proves that you are a man more than a playoff beard. The NY Islanders started the tradition some time in the 80's. Basically, the players on a team don't shave from the day the playoffs start until they are either eliminated or win the Stanley Cup. Seeing how the playoffs for different sports can last for the better part of a month, you can get some pretty nappy beards.

Wait...am I allowed to say "nappy"?

Anywho, Baron Davis' playoff facial growth has inspired me to create the Baron Davis All-Time Beard Club!


"The Baron" himself


Big Papi


Some dude


"Grizzly Adams DID have a beard!"


David Eckstein (Ha!)


Chuck...EVERY day is a playoff when you're the Chuck.