An Open Letter From Baron Davis' Beard

Dear Warriors Fans, Dallas Fans, NBA Fans, Mark “Cuban,” Dirk Diggler and the rest of the world,

Whaaaaas crackulatin’?

See, I thought I’d write y’all a letter to remind all-a-y’all of one very important thing that everyone seems to be forgettin’ about in their playoff predictions …

You ain’t never seen a beard like me.

I ain’t just any old beard. I’m a full beard. Legit like Hammer. Thick like Biggie. Dark like Dikembe the winter solstice.

You tell me who’s got a better version! Big Papi? Nah, too angular. Scott Spiezio? Too red. David the Gnome? Too bushy.

You wanna know why I’m gonna win this Dallas series, dontcha? Well, sheeeeeeet, peep the “beards” that are gonna be “guarding” me:

Now, take a look at those attempts at facial hair. They can’t compete with me. Devin Harris’ jaw is as smooth as my boy Stephen Jackson’s glock and I swear Al “Ninja Turtle” Harrington has got more hairs on his bald dome than Jason Terry has hairs in that crap attempt at a mustache. For real.

And what about my boy in the GSW backcourt? Well, we all know I’m the top dog on this team, but the beard over at J-Rich’s face is looking awwwfully tight.

Like J-Rich himself, J-Rich’s Beard is a lil’ more refined and powerful than yours truly, who’s rougher than DMX’s voice. Ya heard?

Yeah, we gonna win. Look at that backcourt matchup.]

Done and done.

Sincerely,

Baron Davis’ Beard