DirecTV = Idiots

You know, there seems to be an ever-increasing list of things that just piss me off.

The latest thing that I can't stand are these DirecTV HD commercials. You know, the ones where they show a clip from a movie and then splice in a shot of one of the characters turning to the audience and hawking this new service in the commercial equivalent of an HJ (That's Hand Job for the slow folks out there, not to be mistaken with BJ or VJ. If you don't know what a VJ is, I don't want to be the one to tell you...).

At first, it started with Jessica Simpson and a clip from The Dukes Of Hazzard. I was fine with that. It's not like they were ruining a classic American movie here. It was like throwing a piece of shit into a bucket that was already full of shit...no one seemed to mind. Hell, most people probably don't know that the original movie didn't have that ad in it since only 7 people saw the damn thing anyway.

But now DirecTV has gone too far. They have soiled Major League, one of my all-time favorite movies. Charlie Sheen...how could you sink so low? Is nothing sacred anymore? How can I raise children in a world where the sanctity of Major League is no longer safe???

You know what, DirecTV? If you're really going to be that tasteless, I've got a few classic movie scenes for you to take a frozen dump on, since you seem so motivated to destroy everything movies are about:


1. Schindler's List

(Nazi soldier turns to camera)
"Man, genocide is really hard work. I used to feel bad for the races of people I am trying to obliterate, but then I thought that if they had just subscribed to DirecTV HD, they would have seen the German invasion coming in spectacular 1080i. I don't know what that is, but it makes me want to goos step all the way to the living room!"


2. Good Will Hunting

"Yeah, I know I'm good at math, but it bores the shit out of me. That's why I wish I could afford DirecTV HD. I could spend all of my time watching the Red Sox in crystal clear 1080i instead of wasting my time jerking off with Ben Affleck and doing math with my hairy therapist. Maybe I could even get a better looking girlfriend than Minnie Driver. Her face looks like the ass end of a dolphin. You do NOT want to look at her in HD. Trust me."


3. Swordfish

"Hey! Oh my god! This is John Travolta and I'm really excited that you're watching my movie! Oh my god! I'm advertising DirecTV HD right now in the middle of my movie because there's no possible way it could be any worse than it already is, so what the hell? I have to go home now, because in this 1080i resolution, you can totally see that I'm wearing a wig! Oh my god! My thetin levels feel low..."


Or something like that.

The only thing that the Major League commercial has going for it is that Charlie Sheen looks exactly the same as he did in 1989. So if DirecTV wants to continue this crap, they need to strike deals with the following people, who also look exactly the same as they did in 1989:

Michael J. Fox
Matthew Broderick
Heather Locklear
Samuel L. Jackson

Or, if DirecTV really wanted to impress me, they could make one of those commercials star someone that's dead. That would be impressive...


"This is Wilford Brimley. When the afterlife bores me, I watch DirecTV! It staves off the...diabeeetus..."

EDIT: I've just been informed that Mr. Brimley is still alive. Crap.